Ok i guess now is time for an update. seeing as how i'm a day older and i have been able to say i'm 22 for a whole day.
these emotions never stop. the thoughts they never quiet down. i realize how i come off to people. and i realize no one wants to deal with someone who is always depressed.
the day of my birth has never been very fun for me. they years have been getting worse and worse in my head. this year seemed to be completely different though. even though it wasn't spectacular i can't remember spending too much of the day thinking about the girl. i did hope she would send me birthday wishes... she was the only person i wanted to... but she didn't, but i also didn't have it on my mind all day.
now it's been some time since i've even come close to talking to anyone on here. i started feeling unwelcome here. and i pretty much still do. but that's ok it really doesn't matter to me.
i haven't at all changed i still feel the same way about that girl as i always have. i still don't want advice. i'm still completely depressed. and i'm still not willing to do anything to change it. the thing that has changed is how easily i consider a friend. i also no longer expect anyone to stick around. it's just not something i can lie to myself about. i know who i am, i know that i can't ever put myself on any other person because i am too fucked up. i realize that i'm just not meant for a relationship.
people getting pissed off at me for being so unhappy, just aren't friends in my mind. any person i've ever known to be unhappy all i've ever done for them is just try to help them out. not by telling them what to do. just by being there and trying to help them forget why they're unhappy. all i've ever done is try to feel for them. i've never asked for advice.
people on here assume they know exactly how i am, and yet they've never met me in person, they've never really had a conversation with me, they've never really gotten to know me.
i wish my heart cold, and small. i wish my heart was dark. i wish i was heartless, but that's not who i am.
these emotions never stop. the thoughts they never quiet down. i realize how i come off to people. and i realize no one wants to deal with someone who is always depressed.
the day of my birth has never been very fun for me. they years have been getting worse and worse in my head. this year seemed to be completely different though. even though it wasn't spectacular i can't remember spending too much of the day thinking about the girl. i did hope she would send me birthday wishes... she was the only person i wanted to... but she didn't, but i also didn't have it on my mind all day.
now it's been some time since i've even come close to talking to anyone on here. i started feeling unwelcome here. and i pretty much still do. but that's ok it really doesn't matter to me.
i haven't at all changed i still feel the same way about that girl as i always have. i still don't want advice. i'm still completely depressed. and i'm still not willing to do anything to change it. the thing that has changed is how easily i consider a friend. i also no longer expect anyone to stick around. it's just not something i can lie to myself about. i know who i am, i know that i can't ever put myself on any other person because i am too fucked up. i realize that i'm just not meant for a relationship.
people getting pissed off at me for being so unhappy, just aren't friends in my mind. any person i've ever known to be unhappy all i've ever done for them is just try to help them out. not by telling them what to do. just by being there and trying to help them forget why they're unhappy. all i've ever done is try to feel for them. i've never asked for advice.
people on here assume they know exactly how i am, and yet they've never met me in person, they've never really had a conversation with me, they've never really gotten to know me.
i wish my heart cold, and small. i wish my heart was dark. i wish i was heartless, but that's not who i am.