so today is my fathers birthday. and now that would be fine, if it weren't for the fact that it's also the girl who i still loves birthday as well. and all i can think about is how she is probably with her guy and happy, and having a wonderful birthday and how i have nothing to do with that. and i really wish i could fix things with her. i know i shouldn't care and i know i need to get over her but something won't let me. i don't know why. i want her to be happy but i don't want it to be without me in her life completely. and so i don't think any birthday of my fathers will come without me thinking of her. and even better he mother's birthday is they day before mine. i wish that all wasn't as coincidental as it is because it made me feel like it was fate.
right now i just want to do some jager bombs. i've never had them before mind you but i really just want to get drunk. it would be really nice. i only get 2 days a week when i will allow myself to drink and tonight happens to be one of them. i'm just waiting on the stuff to get cold.
i hate being shy beyond belief. i can't talk to girls, i can't meet girls, and i just can't. i also hate people telling me it's so amazingly easy to get over. well they aren't me and they don't understand my shy nature. i just have a lot of issues i can't get over and by nature my mind never shuts off when i want it to. i've had years of only having my thoughts. many years. so now i can't stop thinking.
i really get a lot of advice from people. and i've never really asked for it. and it's not that i mind the gesture, it's just that i get so much contradictory advice, and i also get a lot of advice i already realize. also i'll tell people that i know that i'm not looking for advice and i still get it. you know what would really do me well? having people to go out with. not having people tell me that i should go out. i dunno.
my libido is really taking a huge hit... i used to be horny every night, and like i would masturbate anywhere from 1-3 times a night on a usual night, and as of now i think i'm going about a week between each time maybe more. i'm not sure. i don't like it. i don't like it at all. and i totally think it's due to my amount of lonliness. i don't think i've ever felt it so hard in my life... and it's because i had someone who took all the lonliness away and without me doing anything really wrong to fuck it up i lost her and was thrown back into the lonliness. don't get me wrong i'm not saying i didn't do anything wrong at all. i know i did stuff wrong it's just it really wasn't anything horrible. how can someone think it's love when the feelings only lasted 6 months.
right now i just want to do some jager bombs. i've never had them before mind you but i really just want to get drunk. it would be really nice. i only get 2 days a week when i will allow myself to drink and tonight happens to be one of them. i'm just waiting on the stuff to get cold.
i hate being shy beyond belief. i can't talk to girls, i can't meet girls, and i just can't. i also hate people telling me it's so amazingly easy to get over. well they aren't me and they don't understand my shy nature. i just have a lot of issues i can't get over and by nature my mind never shuts off when i want it to. i've had years of only having my thoughts. many years. so now i can't stop thinking.
i really get a lot of advice from people. and i've never really asked for it. and it's not that i mind the gesture, it's just that i get so much contradictory advice, and i also get a lot of advice i already realize. also i'll tell people that i know that i'm not looking for advice and i still get it. you know what would really do me well? having people to go out with. not having people tell me that i should go out. i dunno.
my libido is really taking a huge hit... i used to be horny every night, and like i would masturbate anywhere from 1-3 times a night on a usual night, and as of now i think i'm going about a week between each time maybe more. i'm not sure. i don't like it. i don't like it at all. and i totally think it's due to my amount of lonliness. i don't think i've ever felt it so hard in my life... and it's because i had someone who took all the lonliness away and without me doing anything really wrong to fuck it up i lost her and was thrown back into the lonliness. don't get me wrong i'm not saying i didn't do anything wrong at all. i know i did stuff wrong it's just it really wasn't anything horrible. how can someone think it's love when the feelings only lasted 6 months.
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take care.