Where the fuck did October go?
This is my favorite time of year; something about the crisp air and the brisk winds stir ancient memories in my soul and I feel connected to something larger than myself; as if my footsteps are crossing over paths I've traveled for lifetimes and there is no need for fear. I can't wait to live in a place with actual seasons.
Anyway, I'm writing because I was feeling a little confused and disappointed the other day. I was thinking rather intensely on me and my life, namely the fact that I really don't feel anything for any one. I don't feel love or hate or anything except mild fondness or annoyance. That's it. This is actually why I do what I do. Fucking one person evokes no response, so how about I try two at a time? Nothing? How about three? Four...? But, while every experience is physically pleasurable and I make some very good friends, I still feel as though I'm watching the entire thing in a soundproof glass room. Everyone can see me, I can see everyone else and I know they're talking to me and it sure does look fun but I'm definitely separate.
I was concerned about my lack of connection. But for now, I'll just take advantage of the situation. Fucking couples or groups of people requires so much less connection, so I can go in undetected. Everyone thinks I care...when I can't.
This is my favorite time of year; something about the crisp air and the brisk winds stir ancient memories in my soul and I feel connected to something larger than myself; as if my footsteps are crossing over paths I've traveled for lifetimes and there is no need for fear. I can't wait to live in a place with actual seasons.
Anyway, I'm writing because I was feeling a little confused and disappointed the other day. I was thinking rather intensely on me and my life, namely the fact that I really don't feel anything for any one. I don't feel love or hate or anything except mild fondness or annoyance. That's it. This is actually why I do what I do. Fucking one person evokes no response, so how about I try two at a time? Nothing? How about three? Four...? But, while every experience is physically pleasurable and I make some very good friends, I still feel as though I'm watching the entire thing in a soundproof glass room. Everyone can see me, I can see everyone else and I know they're talking to me and it sure does look fun but I'm definitely separate.
I was concerned about my lack of connection. But for now, I'll just take advantage of the situation. Fucking couples or groups of people requires so much less connection, so I can go in undetected. Everyone thinks I care...when I can't.