xxjcblackheartxx

I feel like the walking dead...It takes ever ounce strength i have in me to get up in the morning. I go out with friends I talk to people, but its always this zero hour that crushes me inside. I feel like my heart is garment and a million moths devour it continually. Being social provides me a modicum of relief but again It hurts so bad some days...I think about breathing but I feel like she's seized my lungs...I think about reaching out for help to realize she has taken my arms, I feel like living but no blood pumps through my veins as she has my heart.

I feel like i have a 400lb man standing on my chest when I try and sleep at night...I've not been able to sleep in the bed we shared as I know when i sleep on the couch there was not room for two people, so I don't have to roll over and feel a silhouette. Listening to music doesn't even provide me a sliver of relief as my boon of her having musical taste similar to mine has become a great burden at times.

I try an stay moving, I feel like if i stop I'll die...I feel like if i go out everything will be okay...but its not.....still at times it seems like a less scary notion than being torn apart left alone with my thoughts. Demons descend upon my happy memories with her and contort and warp them. I wear a smile on my face like a party favor, a mask to ensure people i am doing OK...when i am not....when i hurt so badly I feel like i am losing my sanity....

We talked two days ago as she returned home...I wrote her my thoughts and feelings in a letter ...she responded..."I loved you JC"...i believed her...she asked me to please be happy for her, all i noticed that would have brought me solace was the past tense she used...is it selfish for me to hope and dream of her relationship crumbling to dust? so we could share a moment of misery ...so we could have one more connection....Some of my friends hate her, some are indifferent....I wish i could have any feeling for her that didn't make me feel like my lungs are feeling up with blood...

God provides me relief every single day just enough to get me by and through ....but often times it seems cruel still ...As I pray so hard for her happiness...and then I pray for us to be reunited...my life is so uncertain right now....I know this was true love because this pain is not comparable to any previous partner i've lost ...This girl and me had such a deep connection...and it seems severed for one of us ....

I feel so lost