xxjcblackheartxx

I've found out the my Plans to go to recruiter school have been put on hold for awhile...According to the army I am going to Ft Hood TX... I really really really hate Texas to say the least furthermore i've become quite fond of being In Sunny AZ.....This news coupled with the fact that I know for sure I will be deploying when i get there as the unit i am going to is already deployed has mad me extremely depressed to say the least...I find myself trying to savor all of the time i have with my friends as possible..as I am supposed to leave in Sep. My girl problems only get worse becuase of this.

The girl that i wrote about in previous blogs still persist to confuse me so I have kinda mad a decision that I'll distance myself from her. It sucks as i do really enjoy her company....Its been a strange situation waiting for my Divorce to be over as me and Angel have become something like friends who still harbor respect and some form of concern for each other we just no longer love one another....With this i've been seeing a couple of different women but nothing serious... I feel i am trying to hard to quell my pain and loneliness with someone or something...

My drinking has calmed down but as stated I find myself in a reverse agoraphobia like its painful for me to sit still yet to move it hurts...I don't know why i am so depressed and lonely ...and I can only fear this next deployment will be even more a detriment toward the same feelings....I want so badly to be happy with myself..but the world would be made in my eyes if i could find someone to share this burden or someone to just simply love me and be concerned for me as i would them....

What can I do to make this a positive thing??? I am really trying to but this pain and depression hurts pretty badly right now. I find it nearly impossible to see the silver lining in this....I am not concerned about dying from this deployment as much as I am just being even more secluded and alone.