xxjcblackheartxx

I guess l'll have to retract my previous blog....my brother is sick i am concerned....my mother is doing miserable....i feel like it's all my fault...i hate myself more than i can let on...and i hate myself for hating myself
i cried today for the first time since Bernard died....i don't know what came over me...maybe someone switched my testosterone for some estrogen today.....i know i am here now in iraq still i hate feeling so weak so powerless
i wrote this late last night and finished it 2 hours ago....i will make this a song not sure how i will compose it yet....i will bleed out my pain in elegies on my paper it makes me feel better.... i



My tears ebb like the tide, soon i will cry....
I will cry for all the chaos and death around me
For decaying friendships and broken hearts
And so much wasted time, i will cry

i am crushed on the inside...lets see if i can bring myself to the brink of giving up
I am visiting a grave there's an epitaph that's been chiseled in my mind....
i cried today for an apex of emotions that have been pushed down inside me so many nights
i cry for tonight i am alone, and I will search for something that's not doomed like this is...
I cried for it seems the weight of the world descends down upon my brittle breaking shoulders

i cry for the blood flowing through veins is poisoned and is just as violently red as
The vessels in my dead eyes i used to view this world with...

with this razor i will spill this infection out of my being so everyone will know who left me like this, with my body broken like you broke my will I will be a tapestry for you
I will cry for the scars that run deep that no one could every understand nor visualize
I cry for everything that was once beautiful is now in tatters and grotesque

For all this I cry


Now i feel sick.....i guess I should try and get some sleep... i hope this emotional rut will end soonthis is not becoming nor is it meI dont know whats happening with me.i guess you can only ignore yourself for so long