xxdistortmexx

Jake is moving here.

Why am I not happier?

I don't know what the Hell is wrong with me?
Suddenly I'm scared as Hell.
Scared of losing him.
Like he'll instantly not want me anymore.
Like I'll scare him away.
I don't want to lose another one.
Maybe I need to go ahead and detach myself now and save myself more heartache?
No....

I'm paranoid.
I've been trained in my past relationships to be this way.
So terrible.
Last night it was so quiet. He didn't feel well though. But the silence gives me room to think. Room to wonder if maybe he's just thinking 'I don't want her after all'.
I'm so silly.
And I won't see him until the end of the week, most likely.
Nothing even happened really, I just get these weird feelings.

And I don't want to go to Pittsburgh suddenly....
I'll leave him here.
I'll leave everyone here.
I'll be all fucking alone.

I'm fucking scared of everything right now.
I don't want to be alone up there.

And I don't want to lose Jake - I don't want to be alone down here.

Why would I even think these things?
I'm not going to lose him?
My stupid fucking past....
everything is going to be okay...
okay...
okay....

Perfectly fine.
I just need to breathe.
I'm so paranoid.
Hard on myself.
Breathe.