xxdistortmexx

First of all this is the infamous Jake. He was a little, uhm, high in the picture, but you can disregard that:


Second of all, Jake is in town, and I have spent two wonderful nights with him.
Well, last night had a pitfall.
That serious-conversation-we-have-to-stay-friends-talk... which I stuggled in and out of tears the whole time during...
I know he's been hurt so fucking bad and I know he's scared.
And I know he lives so far away.
And I know I'm going away.
I KNOW it can't work.
But it hurts.
And after that long conversation where my heart felt like it was splitting in two, there was this silly little silence. We were sitting my car at 2am and it was pouring the rain. And he made me laugh. And I just couldn't stop laughing. I told him, "Fuck pouring my heart out, I like things just how they are, I'm strong, and I'll live in the present." And I felt that way just then. I still ache, but I know that's the only way it will be. Someday, somehow -who knows. For now, we remain this quirky little pair. I will miss him when he's gone. I will.
But I must remain in my own life. In my own moments.
And while he's here right now, enjoy every fucking second.
The rest of last night was wonderful.
If I don't end up with Jake, I hope I end up with someone that treats me that fucking good.

I know he doesn't mean to hurt me.
The only person here to blame is myself.
Head over heels for a boy miles away with a shattered heart.
But I am thankful for his kiss.
And the care.
And maybe someday....