xxdistortmexx

Another broken possibility of maybe seeing Jake this weekend - I'm not even going to get my hopes up.
Though I think we all know that is completely impossible to not get them up at all. I'll secretly be wondering in the back of my head if he'll be in.

It's been a month and a half, I miss him so fucking much. I had to pull over the car the other night driving Laura home because it hurt so fucking bad. I had spent the whole day with Andrew (Jake's cousin) and Laura (Andrew's girlfriend and my friend) and I guess it slowly ate away at me little by little the whole night until I felt like I was going to split a seam. I guess I'm not very good at hiding things because half way home I started noticing Laura watching me from the corner of my eye, before she finally asked me what was wrong. I replied with the usual, "Nothing.", though I wanted nothing more than to tell her how much I couldn't stop thinking about Jake and how much I missed him and how much I wanted to see him. I finally pulled over the car somewhere and turned it off and just sat there and stared out the window and I tried so fucking hard to tell Laura what was wrong but the words wouldn't come out. I had been rehearsing it in my head for 5 miles what I was going to say and now I couldn't even speak.
Laura sat there in silence with me for what seemed like forever before she said, "Do you want me to ask you again?"
And I said, "I don't know if that's going to work... but yeah."
"What's wrong?"
"...I'm a girl, that's what's wrong."
"You're a girl?"
"Yeah, I'm a stupid girl that can't stop thinking about things."
"Stupid things like Jake?"
It was then that I turned around to her and I half smiled and I lost it. I told her yes and how I wanted to tell her so bad I wanted to tell anyone and I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about him and how I just wanted to say, 'Laura I miss Jake so much and it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts'. I actually broke into tears, the first time I'd ever had any tears over him at all and I felt so completely stupid but at the same time it felt really, really good.

So we sat there in the falling snow, in my cold car, in this barge repair lot, for another 20 minutes. And Laura told me she was going to get Andrew to try to get Jake to come in this weekend. And if that didn't work, she swore we would just drive up to Athens.
And though I would love to drive to Athens to see Jake, I know my car would probably be more pissed off than anything - so I'm praying to God that Jake would actually come in this time.

And though I felt better that night after getting all those things off of my chest, ever since then I've felt like I'm slowly being stabbed in the heart. I guess I'm scared. Scared I won't see him this weekend. Scared I won't ever see him again period. Scared of hearing back from him that he's found someone else. Scared of anything possible.
And not just scared of Jake.
Scared I'll be alone for fucking ever.
Hell, who knows.

Valentines Day isn't exactly my time of the year. I hate Valentines Day just like most people and probably for the same reasons most other people hate it as well.
I'm being bitter, I know.
I can't help it.



And yes I am happy about going to PA.
And being a great artist.
And having lovely friends.
And knowing that there are tons of people who think I'm just that fucking awesome.
I'm happy for a lot of things.
But I still have this huge gaping hole.

Jake....

Bleh.....

Not just Jake....

Just...
a hole...
fucking hole....


yeah...


Later.


Picture Laura took of Jake and I holding hands....