xx_river_xx

So many things I long to say... long to feel again. But society and all of it's boundaries and the rules of civilization prevent me from doing just that.

Now that I am my husband's room-mate rather than his wife, and we are merely friends and parents, I want to be in love! I want to feel the rush of emotion, the thrill of the chase. But alas, my head and my heart are bickering once more, trying to find a happy middle ground. My head tells me that I must stay shackled to my promises and chained to my vows. But my heart tells me that I am free and that there is a wide world to explore. I long to run and play, to be happy and free and to feel once more.

I feel like a whole new person, without ties to my past or plans for my future. I feel as though I am 17, on the brink of breaking out, yet unable to do so. Ready for love, ready for my life to start. My body bears more signs of age than my thoughts do. My children are the only physical sign of my adulthood. Yet, I don't know what to do or where I'll go!

I am not divorced. I can't afford to leave Crash, and I'm not even sure I'd want to. I want to have him nearby to raise our children together. My children deserve to know us both and to know how much we both love them. I cannot lie, the money has something to do with it. Insurance, health-care, mutual household costs. It saves me from having to put my children into daycare, whilst both Crash and I worked to maintain 2 seperate households. Legalities are all that hold me to him. Why should the world care so much if I were to be with someone else?

I guess the biggest and hardest thing to come to grips with for other people is that I will not leave my husband. I will not run away to marry someone else. In fact, even if we did divorce, It would take divine intervention to get me to marry again. The only reason I would marry is for legal reasons. Love, I'd rather not chain it down. I speak a lot of love nowadays. Forgive me.

I believe in happiness and in emphatuation. But love? I am scared to use that word. I can't even bring myself to say "in-love" which to me is much less than real love. I love my children. I love my parents. I care about Crash, and by my own definitions I do love him, but those words are hard to say without leading him into the wrong way of thinking. ..... But I do think I'm falling for someone. I'm afraid, but I want it. It's purely online which I suppose makes it easier.... If we ever met, his smell would linger in my dreams, the taste of his lips would haunt me. It's amazing how quickly one can fall for someone else. It's frightening how little it actually takes. But for the first time in years, I am FEELING again, little things that mean so much. Feeling breathless, my heart skipping a beat when his name shows up in my email. My heart pounding when I read his words and imagine his voice. I dream of him. Good dreams. If nothing else, I will be happy for that. If all else fades, at least I've had a few happy nights of peaceful rest, wrapped in the arms of an angel. .......

Ah well... Perhaps it is just my brain playing tricks on me again. Maybe it's all electric impulses and chemical reactions....... but for the first time in a long time, I am happy. Not the overall peaceful happiness that comes and goes day-in, day-out... but a gleeful, giddy, smiles-all-the-time happy. And that makes it worth it for me. As short-lived as it may be.