xx_river_xx

I think it's time for another new post.
And no that's not NUDE post, for all you pervs who were thinking it.

Long one as usual

I got my Jessica back last night! There I was, tossing mounds of shredded paper in the recycling bin, and in walks her youngest son. I was so embarrassed. Reason for being: I was cleaning HER house. lmao
I got to spend much of the afternoon with her, which was wonderful after 2 weeks of having to live without those perfect flesh-pillows. We haven't gotten a chance te get really down and dirty yet, but this weekend I am planning to kidnap her for a nice 2-person bubble bath!

I have spoken to Crash again about our normal "arrangement" when it comes to relationships. This time it was a little different because I was asking him about internet relationships. See, I met this one guy who is a lot of fun, and I can BS with him and goof off and have tons of fun, and if we were ever to meet (and his wife concented ) We could get really kinky and fun and just keep it playful. I could definately see swinging with him, if his wife were into that. Regardless, I don't have plans to meet him anyways, it was just something I had thought about.

Then there's this girl I've been emailing back and forth with for several months. I could see myself very happy with her, partying and playing and making love. I would invite this girl to Christmas! That's how wonderful she is. We connected, and I can honestly say I would meet her with no hesitation. I'm a little afraid of falling for her, but I'm well aware that she is not looking for the same thing. So, the pressure is off in some ways, and in other ways I am dissapointed.

There is a third person I've only just met a few days ago and it's instantly one of those things where I didn't know how my husband would feel about us talking... This is the kind of guy I might easily find myself in love with. And really, that's what I WANT. I WANT to be in love again. I don't ever want to meet him because I need to stay with my family. My marriage is not unbreakable, but I refuse to be the one to break it. You know? Anyways, this guy writes me poetry and I can almost hear his voice, even though I have no idea what he sounds like. I'm excited, but I'm scared too that he'll take off when he realizes who I am, and what my world really is. But I need so much to be in love right now. For my health. (Seriously, I've had doctors tell me to leave my husband and go find somebody to get me out of my "funk"...)... Maybe if I can convince this guy that an online relationship, with no chance of ever meeting, would be a good thing. And maybe I'm pulling my own chain and he was just being a really sweet guy trying to compliment me. Regardless, I'm not sure what to think of how I'm feeling right now.

My internet relationships lately have been having a GREAT affect on me. I've got one myspace buddy who I can have real intellectual conversations with. It has kept me thinking and I'm getting some of my brain-power back. Crash doesn't like to talk to me unless he can make himself feel superior. I know it's just because he feels like I'm so much better than him at everything, that he HAS to make me feel stupid at one thing at least. Logical. Shitty, but logical.

But I've been talking more like I used to. Back when I thought I knew who I was before I lost myself the last time. Back when I was a cool, sophisticated, intelligent, well-thought person, with keen ideas and a vocabulary the size of GOD!. lol I love sounding superior. Not in a mean way. I just love letting my IQ show. I think that a person's IQ is their sexiest asset.

I've also been WRITING again. Lyrics mostly, a few scattered poems. But my pencil is on the paper and it moves! It's been a long while since I could get ideas into my head, let alone out into the real world. Talking with intelligent people makes me smarter. Talking to artists makes me driven to create. Talking to other parents makes me feel more compitent as a parent. I don't know how much of it is me just putting a psychological link between the two, and how much is really me getting my old self back, without certain people influencing what I say or do. I feel somewhat FREE on the internet I suppose. I know it's supposed to be dangerous and whatnot... But really, I just see how much I have been going through, and how much I have overcome thanks to my friends on the internet, and I wonder if maybe the only real medication I need is TIME and support, rather than these pills.

I do want to be in love again. Hopelessly, madly in love. It's easy for me to do.
My husband's rule is that if it doesn't start to cause a problem, then he doesn't have a problem with it.
Logical, no?

If I can't find love with Crash, I may as well get my fix elsewhere (I AM a love-junkie)... And where would be safer than amidst strangers whome I am unlikely to ever meet in person? Especially if I make sure that they know all of this beforehand. Like I've said before. It's only cheating if your partner doesn't know or consent. ... I'm confused right now, and my bedtime medications just started kicking in... Dozey-time! lol.

So, question for the day... Respond to my Blog! What would you say or do in my circumstances? If you've been in situations like these, please share. Etcetera.