I probably going to seem MIA to quite a few people... as If i didnt already.
Im having a really really really bad day. As if I didnt wake up 3 times in the middle of the night with fuckin nightmares and no one to turn to for comfort.
Which I know Its still there. I just cant do it. Not now, not after putting myself thru hurt and pain, that no one will ever begin to know to understand. I hate myself more and more everyday. Today it hasnt gotten any better. All my problems that I have taken my own initiative to solve. Have been put into play and I have been on top of them. Ive beenon a very very strict budget. I've already started to move my stuff down to Southern Maryland. Which is hard enough as is. Do you people really think I just want to get up and leave. This is my life. Everything I know will be gone. My friends my job 99.5% of my family. Have you ever felt like your losing everything...... cause thats how I feel. I try and I try so hard to just keep my head up and put a smile on my face. Try to please everyone else and to keep in mind of their feelings. Sometimes, I cant breathe. Sometimes my head hurts so much I just want to put it thru a fucking cement wall. Sure in time somethings will work themselves out. Other things I wont ever get back. You know, Ive been giving my mother my weeks pay, so I can make sure my bills are paid. Since I was in the hospital and had some unexpected medical fees at the last minute. I could only afford to pay $60 out of the $200 I had arranged to pay with cingular to go towards that $2000 phone bill. I went to the corporate office Friday night. To try and straighten my bill out. unfortunately until i find my contract Im stuck paying the bill. I informed him that I would make a partial payment but due to circumstances and the fact I had to pay my rent, that It wouldnt be the full $200. So I called my mother on the way down to my fathers. Told her to put the last of the money I gave her towards that. She wouldnt even get off her lazy ass and go inside to get a pen cause she was on the patio. She told me she would take care of it saturday. So today..... my phones disconnected. guess who didnt pay my bill. Thanks alot mom. Now in order to get it turned back on, Im probably going to have to pay it in full.... Christ.... So around 2:30 i went to lunch and drove acrossd the freakin county to my moms. She wasnt there. I was just going to throw my 326 page phone bill on the deck and leave it there.. instead i went inside and left her a note... telling her thanks alot. That if she expects to be able to talk to me she better find some way of fixing it. So when i get back to work she calls me. Trys to put this on me, that I didnt call her (how can I call you if my phones disconnected). Then tells me Im 21 years old......... I cut her off and said Gee thanks mom you dont even know how old your own daughter is...... you dont fuckin listen to me.. CLICK. She doesnt comprehend what she did. That this is going to make my life so much more difficult. This is the only form of communication I have what so ever. Im in the middle of moving, looking for a new job. WTF am I supposed to do.... So the next time I driving and if something were to happen, Im screwed. Great . So I get home, and i got the latest phone bill. $2,007.69 Its like its never going to stop. At least the previous balance is 1712.54 For june it was only 295.15. I had my planned changed in the middle of the month. Hopefully by next month it will be down to the $80.00 Im used to. Who ever said you couldnt put a price on your heart........This ones racking up.
I just want to go to bed and sleep ........ for eternity.
Then again, the dreams Ive had lately have even spoiled my favorite place to be.
-One day my ship will come. To bad I'll be the one waiting at the train station.
Im having a really really really bad day. As if I didnt wake up 3 times in the middle of the night with fuckin nightmares and no one to turn to for comfort.
Which I know Its still there. I just cant do it. Not now, not after putting myself thru hurt and pain, that no one will ever begin to know to understand. I hate myself more and more everyday. Today it hasnt gotten any better. All my problems that I have taken my own initiative to solve. Have been put into play and I have been on top of them. Ive beenon a very very strict budget. I've already started to move my stuff down to Southern Maryland. Which is hard enough as is. Do you people really think I just want to get up and leave. This is my life. Everything I know will be gone. My friends my job 99.5% of my family. Have you ever felt like your losing everything...... cause thats how I feel. I try and I try so hard to just keep my head up and put a smile on my face. Try to please everyone else and to keep in mind of their feelings. Sometimes, I cant breathe. Sometimes my head hurts so much I just want to put it thru a fucking cement wall. Sure in time somethings will work themselves out. Other things I wont ever get back. You know, Ive been giving my mother my weeks pay, so I can make sure my bills are paid. Since I was in the hospital and had some unexpected medical fees at the last minute. I could only afford to pay $60 out of the $200 I had arranged to pay with cingular to go towards that $2000 phone bill. I went to the corporate office Friday night. To try and straighten my bill out. unfortunately until i find my contract Im stuck paying the bill. I informed him that I would make a partial payment but due to circumstances and the fact I had to pay my rent, that It wouldnt be the full $200. So I called my mother on the way down to my fathers. Told her to put the last of the money I gave her towards that. She wouldnt even get off her lazy ass and go inside to get a pen cause she was on the patio. She told me she would take care of it saturday. So today..... my phones disconnected. guess who didnt pay my bill. Thanks alot mom. Now in order to get it turned back on, Im probably going to have to pay it in full.... Christ.... So around 2:30 i went to lunch and drove acrossd the freakin county to my moms. She wasnt there. I was just going to throw my 326 page phone bill on the deck and leave it there.. instead i went inside and left her a note... telling her thanks alot. That if she expects to be able to talk to me she better find some way of fixing it. So when i get back to work she calls me. Trys to put this on me, that I didnt call her (how can I call you if my phones disconnected). Then tells me Im 21 years old......... I cut her off and said Gee thanks mom you dont even know how old your own daughter is...... you dont fuckin listen to me.. CLICK. She doesnt comprehend what she did. That this is going to make my life so much more difficult. This is the only form of communication I have what so ever. Im in the middle of moving, looking for a new job. WTF am I supposed to do.... So the next time I driving and if something were to happen, Im screwed. Great . So I get home, and i got the latest phone bill. $2,007.69 Its like its never going to stop. At least the previous balance is 1712.54 For june it was only 295.15. I had my planned changed in the middle of the month. Hopefully by next month it will be down to the $80.00 Im used to. Who ever said you couldnt put a price on your heart........This ones racking up.
I just want to go to bed and sleep ........ for eternity.
Then again, the dreams Ive had lately have even spoiled my favorite place to be.
-One day my ship will come. To bad I'll be the one waiting at the train station.