xviolentxbeautyx

( I was in myspace convo with my previous room mate mercie. Whom which i happen to adore and love so much. I miss you! I was discussing with her my current situations and how things are looking up but get harder as they go. I found my self explanning a recent state of mind from the other night. One I have never really taken the chance to explain to anyone in depth. Until now. )



"I had the worse panic attack ever wed night because of it. I started crying and couldnt stop. My chest was killing me. I went to took a shower and was still crying so bad I couldnt breathe. Then I was up most of the night... thinking. Ya know how that goes. when you close your eyes and all you do is talk to your self. It doesnt stop. All i kept thinking about was my hopes and dreams for life and my fears. That all i want is to be successful to do good. That my fears are failing and dying. That everyday I have to put up with him telling me i did this wrong or i need to do this and shouldnt have done this and my great fear of failing is in result of him. That perhaps this is just to prepare me to deal with my other fear of death. Not so much the act of, but the aftermath. Thats what scares me. Is How long do i have to live like this and where the fuck am i going to end up..... its scary. What happens afterwards? Do you really die?Do you start again?Do you forget?Do you go thru all of this for nothing?Thats what i think about and it scares me. Somepeople go thru life not caring and making it look so easy. all i do is think about the future and when im going to get thru the present. How in the long run...... I dont want to die because i dont know whats going to happen from there. I like my life whether its broken or not.... At least i know i have it!
God, I dont think ive ever fully enduldged this in any conversation. I probably sound nuts. Its this house, its being alone. It's not having something or someone (s) to occupy my time to keep me from thinking this shit. what is my mind coming to!? "




EDITED TO ADD........
"Since we don't get to do this over again. Its all a sketch. Nothing more." Milan Kundera

thanks Mercie.