xtoongrlx

Your introspective post for the week:
I searched out all of these assholes for the longest time, because I thought that I could make them change (and avoid my own issues in the process). It worked well for a bit: I was treated badly, which is what I thought I deserved. You'll put up with anything when you think you're worth nothing. They got to treat me badly, which was what they saw as their right. It was a mutually self-serving scenario. A few years ago, it got to the point where it was completely destroying me. I wasn't dealing with any of the violently traumatic things that had happened to me, so they just built up and sent me into the hospital for a bit. I eventually decided to be with someone who was nice to me for once, but I also set up all of these defense mechanisms. I associated my happiness with avoiding any chance of getting hurt. My ideas of what could hurt me were missing someone and letting them know me completely. We were together for 3 years, and most of that was great. That's until it got to where we both stumbled over the big white elephants in the room (defenses). It slowly tore us down until all we did was fight and hurt each other. I love her dearly, and I always will. We are finally starting to salvage our friendship. I learned two huge lessons from that whole experience, and they were:
1) You can't save someone else until you save yourself.
2) No one can truly know you unless you let them in completely.

I was on the right track with Beth, because she loved me and treated me very well (except when we were fighting, which was both of our faults). My only mistake was keeping her from completely knowing me. Don't get me wrong, she knows me very well. She knows a lot of facts about my life and my experiences, but I never let her completely get inside my head and explore. Make fun and say it's because of my old age, but I've gotten wiser to the whole deal. I've finally come to a point in my life where I know what I need to do with this. I'm doing my best to surround myself with good people who will treat me well and be honest with me, and I, in return, will do my best not to have so many walls up.

I met someone recently (hmm, wonder who I'm talking about) who amazes me constantly. She has 1,000 different smiles, and every single one of them makes me swoon (even the 'intimidating' ones). I'd do pretty much anything to make her smile. The lightest touch of her hand makes me shiver. Her kisses leave me speechless. The sparkle in her eyes inspired me to start writing again. I want her to know everything there is to know about me: every scar on my body, every nightmare, every laugh, every single thing that's ever made me smile. I want us to teach each other to relax and just exist, to get away from the cell phones, the abusers, the boulders, and the people who can't mind their own business. I don't know that it will end up well. It's entirely possible that it won't, but I don't care. At least I'm gaining an amazing friend in the process. I'm not so scared anymore. I'm not running away from the unknowns and the risks. I'm doing my best to embrace them, because it's worth it. She's worth it. And the most important thing of all? I've finally realized that I'm worth it.



PS- There will be pictures of Castle Grayskull later. I put it together last night, and it kicks ass.