xstephx

Me and luke (bf of almost three years) are on a break. i actually broke up with him but after some talking decided that it was fair enough to go on a break and take it from there. the only problem is i jumped into bed with a friend straight away (so straight it was actually pre break up conversation). this was two weekends ago. the only bigger problem was that i jumped into his bed again last weekend. my thinking was that a new fuck would maybe bring me back to reality. remind me of what i've been missing. confirm that i had made the correct decision. but now its just shitness. fucking fucked up fucking shit. i havnt told luke about this person. i may. probably i wont. fuck. i told myself that after the first weekend i wouldnt see him for a while. you know - play it cool. remain the one in control. keep it meaningless. he would just be a friend with the best kind of benefits for when i do go down that way. the last thing i needed was another attachment. and that's exactly what i've ended up with. i'm not stupid. pretty sure this is just a projection of my relationship with luke. or an asimilation of my feelings or whatever the fuck. but its such great sex. to fuck someone new. the best rush. and now its all fucked. fucked fucked fucked. i dont care if he fucks other chicks. were friends. we have been for ages. in my head logically i dont care. but in my stomach i do. but i think that isnt really nething to do with him at all. confusion.