xsinonskinx

I wonder how not figured out my decisions really are. I mean who is to say that everything needs to be about having a certain body next to you. I have been fixating on what a failure at relationships I am because everyone around me is in these perfect relationships when in actuality they are all really fucked up. Are relationships just a codependent existance? Sometimes I feel like they are.... what is stopping me from understanding and taking pride in my self worth without the existance of a man, or woman for that matter. Everyone at work is always like, "I bet you will make some man really happy one day." Who the fuck cares... I bet I'll make me really happy one day. I am not suited for a man anyway and I am way too insensitive for a woman so what is with the emphasis on a fucking relationship anyway? If I haven't seen someone in a long time, "oh so you have a boyfriend?" no I don't, then they reply with, "Oh I'm sure you'll find him soon." Soon... I am 22 Why do I need to find anyone soon?

I met this tattoo artist at the convention and we hit it off. He wants me to come visit him in Jax beach and I was thinking why would I do that? What is the point in driving to see and possibly getting attached to someone if it wont go anywhere? Doesn't that leave me exactly where I was? In meaningless relationships that go no where. Then I thought, I am only 22 and he was fun. Why not have a little fun? Then I wondered if that is why we hit it off. I have to keep my emotions on reserve because it wont work out... he is unavailable and there for safe. Maybe I am contimplating all of this because an excuse to not go is because I am afraind I will enjoy him and to deny myself of the chance is even safer.

Oh the decisions.... at times I wish I had a real life so that I could obsess over real things that don't consist of boys, they are such an amusing hobbie though.... I think I need a new one because I had to give up shoes for a while.... My taste is too expensive.