do you ever just find yourself lost between what you are handed and what you deserve? I don't know if that is relevant to anything else I am going to talk about but it is a question I am thinking. If something priceless was trusted in your hands and you don't know what made you worthy of holding such an important piece but you were trusted with it anyway... you know how clutzy you can be but those who find worth in this priceless peice have faith in you and you don't know why.

I am afraind to break people

I feel like I can be broken a million times over and it will never equal the karma I deserve. I don't think that my slippery fingers deserve to hold anything so sweet as someone's heart. A prize inwhich is far to delicate to withstand the rath we all know as Shannon.

I kissed a boy yesturday and I don't know why but I feel extremely guilty. I don't want empty kisses, I don't want a relationship with kisses that means something because I am afraid I will break them, I don't want to live without kisses because I hate being alone. Its quite the confusing circumstances don't you think?

Perhaps I think too much...

I find myself not sleeping, spending most nights as I am tonight. I became so accustomed to having a body next to me that I find the adjustment so difficult. I really don't care all that much about the companionship it seems,,, just the body. Not in a sexual way because I don't want empty sex but it is so hard for me to sleep when there is no one there. I don't miss Sam or Andy... I miss the body. I miss not feeling vulnerable when I sleep.... I miss not having haunting dreams.... I miss being distracted from my guilt. I miss Justin, I miss the way he would look at me like his world revolved around every next sentance I spoke, I miss the look in his eyes that I would see every time he looked at me that assured me that he trusted me and had faith in me not to brake him... I miss not feeling guilty every day that I wake up, and every night that I go without sleep.

Perhaps my opening to this entry had more relevance then I originally thought. Times are hard right now. I don't know why but these days that I have been having they have been comming ever so frequently and that scares me. I feel reminded of Justin's death more so now then I have in the last year and I feel so engulfed in my anger and guilt and I don't know what to do with myself. Stuck in pergatory while a jury discusses my verdict and sentancing... perhaps my sentance is insanity driven by guilt for a period of eternity. Approx. 1 year and 3 monthes later and still my memories of him are the only thing that can make me cry. No tears will ever bring him back to me. I just wonder why it took a gun and a loss of one of the most amazing people my life has ever known to make me sensitive, emotional and volnerable. I thought these feelings were suppose to get easier....
WHY THE FUCK DOES IT STILL HURT SO BAD?