Login
Forgot Password?

OR

Login with Google Login with Twitter Login with Facebook
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • SuicideGirls
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
Vital Stats

xsinonskinx

Seattle

Member Since 2003

Followers 110 Following 52

  • Everything
  • Photos
  • Video
  • Blogs
  • Groups
  • From Others

Tuesday Apr 05, 2005

Apr 5, 2005
0
  • Facebook
  • Tweet
  • Email
do you ever just find yourself lost between what you are handed and what you deserve? I don't know if that is relevant to anything else I am going to talk about but it is a question I am thinking. If something priceless was trusted in your hands and you don't know what made you worthy of holding such an important piece but you were trusted with it anyway... you know how clutzy you can be but those who find worth in this priceless peice have faith in you and you don't know why.

I am afraind to break people

I feel like I can be broken a million times over and it will never equal the karma I deserve. I don't think that my slippery fingers deserve to hold anything so sweet as someone's heart. A prize inwhich is far to delicate to withstand the rath we all know as Shannon.

I kissed a boy yesturday and I don't know why but I feel extremely guilty. I don't want empty kisses, I don't want a relationship with kisses that means something because I am afraid I will break them, I don't want to live without kisses because I hate being alone. Its quite the confusing circumstances don't you think?

Perhaps I think too much...

I find myself not sleeping, spending most nights as I am tonight. I became so accustomed to having a body next to me that I find the adjustment so difficult. I really don't care all that much about the companionship it seems,,, just the body. Not in a sexual way because I don't want empty sex but it is so hard for me to sleep when there is no one there. I don't miss Sam or Andy... I miss the body. I miss not feeling vulnerable when I sleep.... I miss not having haunting dreams.... I miss being distracted from my guilt. I miss Justin, I miss the way he would look at me like his world revolved around every next sentance I spoke, I miss the look in his eyes that I would see every time he looked at me that assured me that he trusted me and had faith in me not to brake him... I miss not feeling guilty every day that I wake up, and every night that I go without sleep.

Perhaps my opening to this entry had more relevance then I originally thought. Times are hard right now. I don't know why but these days that I have been having they have been comming ever so frequently and that scares me. I feel reminded of Justin's death more so now then I have in the last year and I feel so engulfed in my anger and guilt and I don't know what to do with myself. Stuck in pergatory while a jury discusses my verdict and sentancing... perhaps my sentance is insanity driven by guilt for a period of eternity. Approx. 1 year and 3 monthes later and still my memories of him are the only thing that can make me cry. No tears will ever bring him back to me. I just wonder why it took a gun and a loss of one of the most amazing people my life has ever known to make me sensitive, emotional and volnerable. I thought these feelings were suppose to get easier....
WHY THE FUCK DOES IT STILL HURT SO BAD?
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
hap:
Fate shows us what we need to see, not what we want to see. Although we don't understand it, we must accept it, take it for what it is and move forward. Just meeting you the one night at Nina's was enough for me to see that your spirit is very much alive. You deseve someone good. Mind, body and soul. I know how lonely the nights get. I know how much it hurts to think you will be alone forever. It feels like a curse, like eternal doom, and it's normal to feel this way. I've been there myself. Don't give up, do your best to tell yourself it's OK. Surround yourself with your friends and those who love you for who you are. Tomorrow is another day.

Hope that helps. kiss

Thanks for the B-Day love! biggrin

Drop me an e-mail sometime if you want to talk more. smile
Apr 8, 2005
burialrabbits:
Pushing koala bears from the tree tops.
Apr 9, 2005

More Blogs

  • 12.03.03
    2

    Wednesday Dec 03, 2003

    Well finals are starting and stress is building. I found out that my…
  • 11.25.03
    5

    Tuesday Nov 25, 2003

    Patrick is comming tomorrow night which means I am going to be cummin…
  • 11.22.03
    2

    Saturday Nov 22, 2003

    HA like my cheezin' ass could be depressed for anything longer then a…
  • 11.19.03
    1

    Wednesday Nov 19, 2003

    My sadness saturates me; silence shines brightly in my moments unable…
  • 11.13.03
    0

    Thursday Nov 13, 2003

    I am at work and I am bored. I await the arrival of Patrick tomorrow…
  • 11.08.03
    0

    Saturday Nov 08, 2003

    OK OK OK, I know that all of you who read my journals on a regular ba…
  • 11.07.03
    2

    Friday Nov 07, 2003

    This is so rediculous, I drove 2 1/2 hours to see homeboy last saturd…
  • 11.03.03
    1

    Monday Nov 03, 2003

    well I just got back from Lauderdale and I must say that every time I…
  • 10.22.03
    2

    Wednesday Oct 22, 2003

    The world comes together in my existance, as adulthood seriously seem…
  • 10.17.03
    4

    Friday Oct 17, 2003

    I really have no reason to be so god damn smiley. Maybe its because …

We at SuicideGirls have been celebrating alternative pin-up girls for:

23
years
10
months
6
days
  • 5,509,826 fans
  • 41,393 fans
  • 10,327,617 followers
  • 4,598 SuicideGirls
  • 1,116,465 followers
  • 14,938,177 photos
  • 321,315 followers
  • 61,438,131 comments
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
  • Help
  • About
  • Press
  • LIVE

Legal/Tos | DMCA | Privacy Policy | 18 U.S.C. 2257 Record-Keeping Requirements Compliance Statement | Contact Us | Vendo Payment Support
©SuicideGirls 2001-2025

Press enter to search
Fast Hi-res

Click here to join & see it all...

Crop your photo