xsickboyx

so...i feel as if i am a little bit helpless. i know it must seem that i whine a lot but the fact of the matter is...when you are scared...or at least when i am...i become very involved with the situation. meaning i try to put into words...the exact emotion...or emotions i am feeling at that moment in time. and right now i feel helpless. i feel out of control. and i feel as if i am going to make myself sick.

i just wanted to be alone. i didn't want to have to deal with another situation in which i feel nose over tail for a girl who i knew damn well wasn't interested in me. i am alone out there in the sense that i am the only to do this...because its starting to get old this story. i did it last summer. i fell for a girl who wasn't over her boyfriend or ex rather...and got myself into some melodramatic situation...in which i became totally infatuated with her and infatuated with the situation.

for some strange reason unbeknownst...did i spell that right...to me...i enjoy the feeling of not getting what i want. i think it might even inspire me. which is weird because i can only write these journal entries when i am depressed about such situations. man...and the bitch of this whole thing is...i mean...the problem is...is that i know a couple people who have feelings for me...and i just push them aside...without any regards to how they feel...and conincedently...they feel like i do. and i don't care.

i just wish that for once i could be the man i know i am. i wish i could show this girl the world. i wish i had the bedriim eyes she stared into every night before she dreamt her sweet nightmares. i wish i could feel anything other than what i am feeling for her right now. i know she just wants a friend. and i respect that. but when we both admit to having more than a friendship...then whats left ofr us to do...

i would risk everything to bring our friendship to the next level. because i know that we would make it through. there is no doubt in my mind that what we have is the real thing. i hope it keeps her awake at night. because at least i'd know she was thinking about me. because the stars above and heavens below know that she is the last thing i think of before i settle into my coffin. and the first thought i have when open my eyes.

i can't stand to see her upset. it breaks me. i know it might be strange but my day isn't complete unless i see her or hear her. i love it when i hear her smile over the phone.

i know i could be everything every other person has promised. i am so hopeful that that day will come. and i will hold my breath until that day. i will hold until i am blue in the face. she always said i looked good in blue...