xoxoshrapnel

since i couldnt sleep i decided i might as well journal for a little bit. i was actually sleeping pretty good, i went to bed around eight thirty, and slept goooood until around one. so i've been sitting up and staring at my fish tank. i have all these cute little fishies floating around and doing their thing. its really nice. i think i might get a friend for my hamster, he has this huge house and i dont know, i would be hella lonely in there all by myself.
speaking of which, i have been quite lonely lately. i was doing the whole dating thing for a while. just talking to a bunch of guys and flirting, or phone sexing. it got a bit out of hand. but nevertheless it was fun while it lasted. i met a few guys that were really interesting, but sooner or later it all became about sex. i'd start getting phone calls in the middle of the night by these fools that thought if they were suave enough with me i'd drive out and fuck them..uhhhh yeah right.
i decided quite a bit ago that i didnt want a relationship for the remainder of my time in socal. i dont want to have any reason NOT to go to san francisco. i dont want any ties here...i'm starting to change my mind. i'm just so god damn sick of being alone. in every sense of the word. i miss connecting with people and being amazed by them. every person i meet out here is the damn same. hopeless and just, not driven. at all. in a perfect world it'd be amazing if i could just find someone to push the boundaries of ordinary friendship with. to just bond with, and be with, and enjoy. someone that if i wake up in the middle of the night, i could call them and tell them whats on my mind. i dont have many of those people anymore.
i know theres no real reason to be complaining about this, or worrying..when i'm in the city i'll have absolutely no problem. although from now to june is a lot of awfully lonely nights with no one to wake up to.
i guess i'm just sleeping with ziggy stardust tonight.