xombies

i've spent the day sewing a little dress. i'm trying to size patterns and keep my models low, this way i can offer more sizing to the masses. my friend's been trying to encourage me to hit up craft fairs and mini trade shows/conventions for people who make their own stuff. pretty good idea. we'll see where it goes. i'm pretty sure i tossed out my pattern books :/. i wasn't very pleased about that...way to go me!

anyways. there's a lot of discussion in the air about moving out west. edmonton mainly. we have a friend out there making good money, and so the prospects are appealing to us to head over for a few years. we'll see. my bf doesn't seem sold on the idea. which i find odd... he's always wanted out of quebec. i'm pretty much done with the political bull horse crap in this province and city. i literally think and believe every major street and minor street is at least moderately occupied by construction... that i might add is not progressing in any way.

i'm on vacation this week. hourah. except i wish it was a month and not a week. lol. welcome to life. camping at the end of the week. hopefully some sewing and knitting for my etsy and what have you. and more.

unfortunately my father has returned to the hospital, nearly facing another heart attack. this is completely devastating, and does happen to hinder my desire to leave. i already barely see him, and i worry one day i will regret no having been a better daughter.he does live 30 minute drive from me, and this is difficult because i don't drive, therefore having to rely on others.

i would however like to change things and get my license, and am setting the goal to begin end of august. punch me if i don't comply.

i seem to have hit a wall. i've become flustered and overwhelmed again. i feel like i never have time for anything. hence my blogging absence. sowway.

i really wish i had somewhere i could just let my shit all out. i know this is pretty much the place since it's as private as my life gets, despite it being an open letter to the world of internets. but i feel like there's very few places i have left where i can confide without judgement about my problems and have an honest answer, when and if i ever do get a reply. alas i feel limited to quench my thirst to rave a bit about my current relationship issues. because i'm completely unaware of whether or not this would become known to him, whether he would snoop at all, or whether it all really matters.

and i genuinely do not wish to bash him. i just need to vent. i'm really struggling with making my mind. he's someone i do sincerely care about. and leaving sounds difficult, and painful. and i don't know if it's right or what i need. lately i can't figure left from right, and i haven't slept properly in weeks. i know he occupies my mind, but also does someone else. someone who seems more like myself, but i feel as though this other person is a completely fruitless pursuit. a. he's far away, and b. he probably has no interest in me, since it seems he would have his pick amongst the females. so i feel so stupid. just so so stupid. how did i let this happen?

i don't know, i think i need big change. usually that's a sign that it's fucking time for shit to change. i need everything to change almost. i've never had this desire to rip off my skin and run away. i want it so badly. i wish i had nothing to just pick up and go. and i know i should be more selfish. but it's as if i'm incapable, which is imo completely impossible, since i'm so selfish... generally. i would think. i just can't be indepedent. i despise my inability. i despise my cravings for people, and for my boyfriend. and for things. i need a fucking lightbulb to just flick on here. silence all the screaming in my fucking head.

maybe i'm going mad. :/