I felt hopeless for a hot minute with a blank mind and numbed heart from a rough week at work. I'll skip the details that I've already mentioned publicly here as well as privately to some of you, but I was sinking into quicksand and I almost didn't want to find a way out. I know I'm not the only one thinking these dastardly villainous thoughts about myself even though I mean well and probably brighten a few days despite convincing myself I'm one person on the ground graciously peeling back the clouds from the heavenly folk that shine down on me. Do the heavens really need a grounded pair of feet when all life runs on the light that shines from the stars above? They warm our skin, feed our plants, guide the feet that are on the ground, and offer a hope to simple folk. Hell, it seems like I'm wearing the muddy shoes and scuffing up the carpet in your mansion high up on Olympus.
@pointman11 posted his feelings on a similar note and I realized we're singing the same Blues song. We both go day in and day out doing what we do in our own ways. Whether it's volunteering, gifting our friends some stupid little toy to cheer up their bad days, writing blogs to commemorate the hard work and beauty in the art that SGs and photographers create, or whatever other little things we may do and yet sometimes that feel of being a simple bystander offering a fraction of ourselves feels like it's just not enough, that anyone can do what we do and when we're ghosted no one will know the wiser. The truth is, although I'm barely convincing myself day in and day out, that we might only offer a fraction of our time but that's because we have to care for ourselves with real jobs, sleep, and all the BS that comes with living in this world BUT (and it's a big one) even if we offer a 5% fraction of our time and dedicate it to bringing a few extra smiles into this world or gifting someone a reason to breathe another day then we're making a bigger difference than a lot of people out there we only think could replace us. Sure, there are a lot of kind souls out there and many are right here, yeah? It doesn't mean we're replaceable or that what we're doing doesn't make a difference.
I don't know where I sit in the larger scheme of things as I fly a lonesome journey. I often wonder if maybe this is a mask I wear because there must be some reason I can't find love in my city or on any dating apps that flood the Google Play store. Everyone swipes left before I get the chance to know them. Maybe it's my face. Maybe it's something deeper down. The truth is I might never know because I'll always bias my own opinion saying I'm either an awesome dude or just a lame sheep among wolves getting the money, the girls, and pretty much everything leaving me with scraps to get by on. I don't know.
Life is a reflective journey and we're always looking to grow and find ourselves. We're a vast collection of mistakes and memories, a constantly evolving organism mentally and emotionally so there is no true end to the journey. Every day there is something new whether it's microscopic or a huge change. We're always going to love and hate ourselves for what we've done or do and we're always going to love ourselves whether we admit it or not. It wouldn't be a journey if it were easy. We would be at the end already minus a few cuts and bruises, but the truth is we're reflecting our environment because there are no physical walls in our minds or thorns surrounding our hearts so we create those things inside of us to reflect what we see. We have the choice to sit down and accept it without further growth or we take a few lumps along the way.
I think I'll cut this short and leave this as a separate blog post. I intended an introduction to an appreciation post, but instead reflected upon myself as the holidays continue to grow closer. Thank you for being part of my journey and being honest with me. I appreciate everything you've said or done that has helped me grow into who I'm becoming. I know we're all so very different yet so very much alike and I love all of you. No matter whether it's daily words shared or random conversation most of you have given me a hope I thought was long lost before coming back here a year ago. I hope one day I can actually meet and thank most of you in person with a hug and sincere verbal thank you. I also hope, one day, I can meet someone just like you... someone that I can spend my life journey with as we hold hands and guide each other through the brightest sun and darkest nights together, in love.
I love you all.
Xander
@rambo @missy
RIP Michael Larsen (full video above and inspiring words below)
Inspired by the words at the end of the video, bookmarked here for your convenience.
