xgoatboyx

Friday: Ive started the course in Aylesford, I didnt think Id last too long after meeting the other two guys on the course on the first day. One guy called Liam who got most of his skin burnt off at his last job is a bit Pikey but alright (I live in a small town where there arent a lot of police about so you can get away with stuff), but the other guy, Rob who has Dyslexia, just makes me think of Richard Burrell on fucking speed he never fucking shuts up and tells all these stories that youre never sure if hes bullshitting or not (I shagged this girl, then I shagged her sister, then I shagged her mum, then I shagged her auntie, stopped at her Nan though). It felt a bit like a culture shock after the first day but weve done this two day confidence building course today and yesterday and Ive really noticed a change in myself. Weve been learning techniques like how when people say that you are something you start thinking and believing it and you can counter that with positive self talk by telling yourself that you are the opposite and also the mirror exorcise where you look in the mirror and focus only on your eyes and do your own positive self talk (I dont know if its because Im partially blind in one eye but it felt like I was doing a magic eye puzzle for a bit, my view went all fuzzy and it felt like I was looking through my reflection). At the end we were asked to do a little presentation of what we liked about the two days and Rob actually pointed out that Ive been talking more. On the train to Strood we sat next to some Pikey kids, when they got of Rob said the one nearest to me had a pen knife out and was stabbing at the side of his seat, which I wouldnt have seen as Im blind to that side. Got home, lifted weights, ate, showered, went on the internet for a bit then listened to I Am Not Afraid by Betrayed as I felt like it tied in with the confidence building course:

I am not afraid
To look inside myself and see
Both the good and the bad
And try to understand
How I can better myself

And I am not afraid
To face my insecurities
To be free of the weight of self doubt
And learn to trust myself

So why is everyone so content?
They just hide away
Where theyll always be
A stranger to themselves
But always wanting to be free

I am not afraid
To open myself up to the world
To share what I know
And learn to grow
Because nothing is gained by silence

And I am not afraid
To stand up for what I know is right
Too many people are scared
Just to show how much they care
And were running out of time

And there is no reason for this fear
That separates us, that isolates us
Just turn your back on it and take back your life
Just take back your life

Its up to you, and you need to say

I am not afraid to take back my life

Did the mirror exorcise again before I went out, got a bus from just outside my house as I saw one coming round the corner, trying to get past a bus that was coming the other way. Went to the Tap, ran into Zoey, later Ollie and a bunch of assorted Manor types came down, had to call Chris to make sure he was coming to Tap instead of going straight to Manor. Chris came down and he even pointed out that I was talking more. We went to Manor, it didnt feel as shit as it had recently, I was focusing more on the songs they played that I liked rather than the ones I didnt. Ran into Manny, had a chat with him for a bit, saw Emily and Bjorn, felt like asking him how the fuck did you get Scott from Stampin Ground to produce your EP? and Has anyone in Reasonable Doubt had the sense to fire Tyn yet? but that would have probably pissed him off. When Manny had just came on and I asked if he had any Lynyrd Skynyrd, he said he didnt but hed remember it for next time (and I could believe him) tried to get him to play Seasons In The Abyss but he said he wasnt playing Metal til much later. Stuck around til eleven, I noticed that I was feeling awkward walking around like I normally do and it was Chris who insisted we leave this time. Went back to the Tap, ran into Kerri, while Chris was talking to her they noticed the thing I do with the skin one my Adams Apple and said it was weird and even made me show it to Kerris friend. Hung around til one am, went to the kebab and got some chips. Me and Chris went up to the taxi rank and there was this old drunk dude hanging onto a post, when a cab came this couple offered it to him, he let go of the post and stumbled around so the taxi driver drove a few feet away from him, the couple got the taxi instead this could prove to be fun I said to Chris. Another cab came, I offered it to the drunk dude he tried to go for it, same thing happened only this time he stumbled right past me and into the wall behind. Chris got the taxi, some people behind me pushed in and got the next two taxis, when I got one the old drunk dude was still against the way simpering taxitaxi


Isnt that weird is it?