I keep talking to God, but the sky is empty...
It's been a long day, and even though it's not been a bad day, I wish it were over.
I slept for another 12 hours last night, but it seems I wake up every three hours no matter how long I sleep. I woke up at exactly midnight, frantic. I jumped out of bed from a dead sleep rubbing my face, because damnit, there was something there! I could feel it, but...I couldn't find whatever it was. Then...I threw up, because going from a dead sleep to jumping around makes my tummy feel not-so-good.
Also, I keep having this dream where I'm in a filthy, slime coated, bug infested pool, and I can't touch bottom and no one will help me. Everyone I know is there watching - friends, family, even my doggy, but no one will help me, they just watch me flail and panic. The water isn't water at all, it's just...slimey grossness...and I can't get to the sides, because every time I try...the ooze pulls me back to the middle.
Freud would have a field day...
Mi madre dropped me off at the gym this morning, because I've got some serious agression I need to take out and that's the best place for me to do it, and she was going out anyway. I asked her to call me and let me know when she'd be in the general area about 15 minutes beforehand so I could get ready, but she forgot me there and I had to call her. I almost missed my last cooking class!
Anyway, kicking my own ass makes me feel a lot better than sitting around and moping, so I'm going to see if I can get a ride to el gym-o every day this week. I need something to keep my mind busy, and the gym does it pretty well. As long as I keep myself in check, this won't become a problem at all.
With all my boredom, I've spent a lot of time cleaning these past few days. My mother is pleased, and because she's pleased she's being nice to me. Granted, she still wants $500/month for rent, but she's being nice to me right now, and that's all I care about. I just don't have the will to fight with anyone about anything right now, and I think that would just push me over the edge...
Anyway, methinks tomorrow I get to go to Concord to see about my license and see what all this court fee bullshit is all about. The cop that arrested me said that I shouldn't have any problem getting it back, since I havn't gone to court yet regarding getting arrested and so they can't punish me for it yet. But...he also didn't know how to fingerprint me, sooo...
We'll see, I guess.
Right now, there's a certain part of me that just feels empty, and it's not my stomach. A piece of me is gone, and I'm wondering how long it's going to take to grow back because I'm having a semi-hard time dealing with it being gone.
Somewhere out there, there's someone who feels my pain, and my heart goes out to him...
Also, aparently El Chupacabra is alive and well!
That thing (which is actually a dog..!) is simultaneously terrifying and adorable at the same time.
I think I would like one...maybe.
It's been a long day, and even though it's not been a bad day, I wish it were over.
I slept for another 12 hours last night, but it seems I wake up every three hours no matter how long I sleep. I woke up at exactly midnight, frantic. I jumped out of bed from a dead sleep rubbing my face, because damnit, there was something there! I could feel it, but...I couldn't find whatever it was. Then...I threw up, because going from a dead sleep to jumping around makes my tummy feel not-so-good.
Also, I keep having this dream where I'm in a filthy, slime coated, bug infested pool, and I can't touch bottom and no one will help me. Everyone I know is there watching - friends, family, even my doggy, but no one will help me, they just watch me flail and panic. The water isn't water at all, it's just...slimey grossness...and I can't get to the sides, because every time I try...the ooze pulls me back to the middle.
Freud would have a field day...
Mi madre dropped me off at the gym this morning, because I've got some serious agression I need to take out and that's the best place for me to do it, and she was going out anyway. I asked her to call me and let me know when she'd be in the general area about 15 minutes beforehand so I could get ready, but she forgot me there and I had to call her. I almost missed my last cooking class!
Anyway, kicking my own ass makes me feel a lot better than sitting around and moping, so I'm going to see if I can get a ride to el gym-o every day this week. I need something to keep my mind busy, and the gym does it pretty well. As long as I keep myself in check, this won't become a problem at all.
With all my boredom, I've spent a lot of time cleaning these past few days. My mother is pleased, and because she's pleased she's being nice to me. Granted, she still wants $500/month for rent, but she's being nice to me right now, and that's all I care about. I just don't have the will to fight with anyone about anything right now, and I think that would just push me over the edge...
Anyway, methinks tomorrow I get to go to Concord to see about my license and see what all this court fee bullshit is all about. The cop that arrested me said that I shouldn't have any problem getting it back, since I havn't gone to court yet regarding getting arrested and so they can't punish me for it yet. But...he also didn't know how to fingerprint me, sooo...
We'll see, I guess.
Right now, there's a certain part of me that just feels empty, and it's not my stomach. A piece of me is gone, and I'm wondering how long it's going to take to grow back because I'm having a semi-hard time dealing with it being gone.
Somewhere out there, there's someone who feels my pain, and my heart goes out to him...
Also, aparently El Chupacabra is alive and well!
That thing (which is actually a dog..!) is simultaneously terrifying and adorable at the same time.
I think I would like one...maybe.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
bad dreams and persistant waking up sucks. i do that pretty much every night. my imagination's too vivid for it's own good, and my body really just doesn't like to sleep.
i know how you feel about the emptiness bit. it's been super hard for me adjusting to not being in school, not being able to make art whenever i choose to, not being around people who share my interests and are motivated, and such... i feel like i've just been wasting time, idling for the past year or so.
and SG is weird like that- no matter what you're thinking, or how alone you feel, there's someone out there thinking and feeling the same things. and sometimes you find them out of chance, and sometimes they're just out there floating in cyberspace and you'll never connect. i suppose it's kind of like real life, like that.
anyway, glad i found you!
-Hyena.