Egad. Just got back from visiting Drew in Vermont.
I don't think I've driven so much in one day in my whole life. My legs and bum are so..tired..which doesn't make sense.
Regardless, it was good times...even though nothing really happened at all...
Yarg...
Have I mentioned yet that I really don't like chicks? I can't really pinpoint the place in time where I decided I don't like them (something I can do with almost every other thing that I hate...) and I'm not positive where it stems from, since growing up I had plenty of female friends, all I know is that I can't tolerate them for more than an hour or so at a time, unless they're excetionally cool...
[but even then...]
You know, despite the fun I had with Drew, I'm a little down today. I just feel like something's missing...
Eh..
I think I'm losing it. I should really start taking my meds again...unfortunately, it's one of those situations. [You know...food and shelter...or meds. Not that hard of a decision, really...]
Regardless...I need a haircut..or something...I can't deal with this mess on my head anymore, even though you can usually tell what kind of mood I'm in by how my hair is looking...
[You know, if there's something "done" to it, I'm in a good mood, if I'm rockin bed head I'm probably not in the best of moods, and if it looks like total ass...well, you get the picture...]
Egad...
On a slightly different subject - I've realized (once again) that I like being unattached because it prevents me from feeling so many things that I'd rather not feel. Ever.
I'm not saying that having someone to hold and be held by isn't absolutely wonderous, I'm just saying that I don't like the feelings I sometimes get when involved in situations that involve those things...well, that made no sense, really, but...I don't care...
I wish I could believe in faith and trust and all that happy shit, but the fact of the matter is that I don't. And I probably never will. It's nothing to be upset about, it's just a fact and it doesn't get to me nearly as much as it would seem that it should (though that could be linked directly to my lack of meds...)
But really, what can I say? I'm suspicious all the time. I'm constantly watching my own back because, in certain situations, I know that if I don't, no one will.
This is what I've learned from my past and the various relationships it's involved, and it's what I'll carry into the future and that's all there is to it...
I thought I'd gotten over not (physically, ie:vocally) speaking my mind, but it turns out that I'm just not this brave in person. I know that I will never be one to voice my emotions unless forced to do so, but it would be nice to at least feel something and be able to express it to someone else rather than holding it all in and letting it take it's toll on me without ever uttering a peep. The good, the bad, and everything in between - they all take their tolls when you can't share them with other people...
It seems the only thing I express well is anger and resentment and my utter disappointment in myself...and none of those things do me any damn good....
I don't think I've driven so much in one day in my whole life. My legs and bum are so..tired..which doesn't make sense.
Regardless, it was good times...even though nothing really happened at all...
Yarg...
Have I mentioned yet that I really don't like chicks? I can't really pinpoint the place in time where I decided I don't like them (something I can do with almost every other thing that I hate...) and I'm not positive where it stems from, since growing up I had plenty of female friends, all I know is that I can't tolerate them for more than an hour or so at a time, unless they're excetionally cool...
[but even then...]
You know, despite the fun I had with Drew, I'm a little down today. I just feel like something's missing...
Eh..
I think I'm losing it. I should really start taking my meds again...unfortunately, it's one of those situations. [You know...food and shelter...or meds. Not that hard of a decision, really...]
Regardless...I need a haircut..or something...I can't deal with this mess on my head anymore, even though you can usually tell what kind of mood I'm in by how my hair is looking...
[You know, if there's something "done" to it, I'm in a good mood, if I'm rockin bed head I'm probably not in the best of moods, and if it looks like total ass...well, you get the picture...]
Egad...
On a slightly different subject - I've realized (once again) that I like being unattached because it prevents me from feeling so many things that I'd rather not feel. Ever.
I'm not saying that having someone to hold and be held by isn't absolutely wonderous, I'm just saying that I don't like the feelings I sometimes get when involved in situations that involve those things...well, that made no sense, really, but...I don't care...
I wish I could believe in faith and trust and all that happy shit, but the fact of the matter is that I don't. And I probably never will. It's nothing to be upset about, it's just a fact and it doesn't get to me nearly as much as it would seem that it should (though that could be linked directly to my lack of meds...)
But really, what can I say? I'm suspicious all the time. I'm constantly watching my own back because, in certain situations, I know that if I don't, no one will.
This is what I've learned from my past and the various relationships it's involved, and it's what I'll carry into the future and that's all there is to it...
I thought I'd gotten over not (physically, ie:vocally) speaking my mind, but it turns out that I'm just not this brave in person. I know that I will never be one to voice my emotions unless forced to do so, but it would be nice to at least feel something and be able to express it to someone else rather than holding it all in and letting it take it's toll on me without ever uttering a peep. The good, the bad, and everything in between - they all take their tolls when you can't share them with other people...
It seems the only thing I express well is anger and resentment and my utter disappointment in myself...and none of those things do me any damn good....
I want to get similar tattoos, but high up, right below my shoulders.