Grr! 
I just typed a shit ton of crap, and we lost power right before I hit "save entry." Grr! Arg! Yarr!
I did, however, upload a ton of pics, including a ton that I took at work with the always wonderous cam phone. Yay. (For boobies...)
Anyway, I guess I'll just retype what I remember...
Ok...
Here's my attempt:
First...my foot is better! Thanks for giving a fuck!
Second, I feel like total and complete ass.
See, normally, I fall asleep at work. (I say "normally" because out of the 5 days that I've worked at this place, I've fallen asleep 4 times...) Now, last night I went out with a friend. I got home around 2am. I went to bed around 3am. I fell asleep sometime after 3:30am. I woke up at 5:30. I went to work for 7:30.
Now, knowing that I fall asleep at work on a day where I've typically gotten 7 or so hours of sleep, I decided that I just wasn't going to make it through the day on my own.
So, I got a few iced lattes. I drank one in the 15 minutes it takes me to get from my house to work. I finished my second one around 11, when I went on my lunch break..and got my third and fourth, as well as 6 redbulls.
I finished my fourth before my lunch break was over (at noon.) My final latte was gone by 1:15, when I started in on the redbulls...which were gone well before 4:30 when I left work.
Now, mind you, that I'm not supposed to have caffeine or any sort of stimulants ever because, thanks to years of heavy drunk use, massive alcohol consumption, and major stress...my stomach and a good portion of my intestines are full of ulcers...
Sooo..yeah, as you can imagine, I'm in a shit ton of pain right now. Eh, I did it to myself...
Now, that rant's done. Let's begin another...or a few...
I'm feeling so incredibly restless. I want to accomplish something soon. I need to see results with my surroundings; myself; with anything I'm involved in. I just need to see results to know I've accomplished something.
I just feel like I'm getting nowhere with everything right now. I'm feeling slightly unstable, mentally.
It's unnerving, because I know how I get sometimes and I know that I can't always control it. The last thing I need right now is to snap somewhere randomly and hurt the very few people that actually give an honest fuck about me...
This time, the dreaded "L" word (and I don't mean the show...)
What's the deal? I dread it terribly.
I had it once, and as lovely as it may have been while it lasted...it killed a huge part of me and I'm not sure that's something I'm willing to let happen again. Is it worth it? I'm still debating...
Far be it from me to jump into love. Or even into saying the word...it's not my style, and I just won't say it (in the romantic sense, anyway) without meaning it whole heartedly...
There are very few things I do not whole heartedly, and love is just not something to fuck with. It's whole hearted, or nothing at all....
Where am I going with this, you ask? (I'm going to tell you, even if you didn't ask...so be prepared, or go elsewhere, startinggggggg....NOW!)
Well, recently, I fell very deeply in some form of intense like with a boy. I do so despereatly hope that he feels the same. If he doesn't, will it be the end of the world?...
No...
I'm not even sure it would be the end of a significant portion of ashley at this point...it hasn't developed that far, I think. I just don't allow myself to get attached anymore, and to be quite honest I'm not sure I'll ever allow it. That worries me terribly.
It's never a conscious decision (quite honestly, there are very few things that are). It just happens naturally - I just don't get very close to people unless they express some sort of interest in knowing the anarchy that is ashley...
I either let everyone in and feel muted feelings for them all, or I don't let anyone in at all. What the fuck...?
My biggest fear is just settling for the first person that comes along expressing interest in me. Clearly, I don't do that, as many people have expressed interest in me since June when I became single, but I fear that I'll fall for people who fall for me, simply because they've fallen for me...so when it happens for real, and I genuinely like someone...it's difficult for me...because I never believe that anyone has any interest in me...
So tell me, Boy - is it mutual? Is there a possibility of this going somewhere, or are we wasting time? For my own sanity...
I know that all of this is just part of the cycle. It's just because it's winter and I've got so goddamned many chemical imbalances. It's just temporary insanity, temporary melancholy...
It's not, however, a temporary situation. The things I've said are how I am all the time, I just don't bring it up because normally, I don't feel bad about it - why feel bad about who and what you are? I don't.
I feel like I'm having a nonstop, minor panic attack all the time. These past few days, I've just had the terrified icy hot feeling in my stomach and chest and I can't shake it. I don't know what's up with that, but it should go away. It's getting to me...
Ugh. Look at me and all my drama...bleh..
This has been terribly edited...it had to be, before too many people read it and I felt like too much of an ass...
I just typed a shit ton of crap, and we lost power right before I hit "save entry." Grr! Arg! Yarr!
I did, however, upload a ton of pics, including a ton that I took at work with the always wonderous cam phone. Yay. (For boobies...)
Anyway, I guess I'll just retype what I remember...
Ok...
Here's my attempt:
First...my foot is better! Thanks for giving a fuck!
Second, I feel like total and complete ass.
See, normally, I fall asleep at work. (I say "normally" because out of the 5 days that I've worked at this place, I've fallen asleep 4 times...) Now, last night I went out with a friend. I got home around 2am. I went to bed around 3am. I fell asleep sometime after 3:30am. I woke up at 5:30. I went to work for 7:30.
Now, knowing that I fall asleep at work on a day where I've typically gotten 7 or so hours of sleep, I decided that I just wasn't going to make it through the day on my own.
So, I got a few iced lattes. I drank one in the 15 minutes it takes me to get from my house to work. I finished my second one around 11, when I went on my lunch break..and got my third and fourth, as well as 6 redbulls.
I finished my fourth before my lunch break was over (at noon.) My final latte was gone by 1:15, when I started in on the redbulls...which were gone well before 4:30 when I left work.
Now, mind you, that I'm not supposed to have caffeine or any sort of stimulants ever because, thanks to years of heavy drunk use, massive alcohol consumption, and major stress...my stomach and a good portion of my intestines are full of ulcers...
Sooo..yeah, as you can imagine, I'm in a shit ton of pain right now. Eh, I did it to myself...
Now, that rant's done. Let's begin another...or a few...
I'm feeling so incredibly restless. I want to accomplish something soon. I need to see results with my surroundings; myself; with anything I'm involved in. I just need to see results to know I've accomplished something.
I just feel like I'm getting nowhere with everything right now. I'm feeling slightly unstable, mentally.
It's unnerving, because I know how I get sometimes and I know that I can't always control it. The last thing I need right now is to snap somewhere randomly and hurt the very few people that actually give an honest fuck about me...
This time, the dreaded "L" word (and I don't mean the show...)
What's the deal? I dread it terribly.
I had it once, and as lovely as it may have been while it lasted...it killed a huge part of me and I'm not sure that's something I'm willing to let happen again. Is it worth it? I'm still debating...
Far be it from me to jump into love. Or even into saying the word...it's not my style, and I just won't say it (in the romantic sense, anyway) without meaning it whole heartedly...
There are very few things I do not whole heartedly, and love is just not something to fuck with. It's whole hearted, or nothing at all....
Where am I going with this, you ask? (I'm going to tell you, even if you didn't ask...so be prepared, or go elsewhere, startinggggggg....NOW!)
Well, recently, I fell very deeply in some form of intense like with a boy. I do so despereatly hope that he feels the same. If he doesn't, will it be the end of the world?...
No...
I'm not even sure it would be the end of a significant portion of ashley at this point...it hasn't developed that far, I think. I just don't allow myself to get attached anymore, and to be quite honest I'm not sure I'll ever allow it. That worries me terribly.
It's never a conscious decision (quite honestly, there are very few things that are). It just happens naturally - I just don't get very close to people unless they express some sort of interest in knowing the anarchy that is ashley...
I either let everyone in and feel muted feelings for them all, or I don't let anyone in at all. What the fuck...?
My biggest fear is just settling for the first person that comes along expressing interest in me. Clearly, I don't do that, as many people have expressed interest in me since June when I became single, but I fear that I'll fall for people who fall for me, simply because they've fallen for me...so when it happens for real, and I genuinely like someone...it's difficult for me...because I never believe that anyone has any interest in me...
So tell me, Boy - is it mutual? Is there a possibility of this going somewhere, or are we wasting time? For my own sanity...
I know that all of this is just part of the cycle. It's just because it's winter and I've got so goddamned many chemical imbalances. It's just temporary insanity, temporary melancholy...
It's not, however, a temporary situation. The things I've said are how I am all the time, I just don't bring it up because normally, I don't feel bad about it - why feel bad about who and what you are? I don't.
I feel like I'm having a nonstop, minor panic attack all the time. These past few days, I've just had the terrified icy hot feeling in my stomach and chest and I can't shake it. I don't know what's up with that, but it should go away. It's getting to me...
Ugh. Look at me and all my drama...bleh..
This has been terribly edited...it had to be, before too many people read it and I felt like too much of an ass...
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
I used to think I'd never fall in love again and never trust anyone enough to do so. PArt of this I think was that my first love wasn't truly love at all--I just wanted it to be. I'm glad now that I let myself get hurt because it taught me what I don't want and I didn't settle for "good enough". Good luck working through your feelings. As I'm sure you know, it isn't always easy.