xeleganceisdeadx

Sometimes I think my life doesn't matter that I am worthless and that everything I say is some existentialist dogma that people avoid. I don't know why I get so depressed and my head gets so fucked up, but I know why now. It's because I never really cared, thatI never really gave a shit. It seems that I spend so much time taking care of everyone else, trying to make everyone fucking happy, that I never stop to take care of myself. I am lost in this world and I am too far to hunt after. Sometimes I feel like I am a disguise, a picture portrait of my former self. But mostly I feel hollow, like a shell. I am a juxtaposition, a jaded conundrum of passion and self preservation. I feel like giving up, taking up violence and with a high powered rifle pointed towards god, threatening to mow the human race down. But, in one way or another we all use our illusions. It is a simple matter of human nature. We have an illusion of what we want and we sometimes (well mostly) live it, we dream we are free, that life is morally simple, so we live it. Yet, in all actuality we live in a self depricating world of confusion, degradation and self-rightousness. It's an on going struggle between the dominant and the weak. We fight random fights andwe battle what we know we can defeat, but we deny the existence of change and the subtle prideful sting of not knowing information on a subject, race, etc...We desire power. We desire want. We want to be wanted. We want to be free. We want to be lawless. But we remain prisoners trapped in our own minds. Freedom is useless if we don't think first. We fight racism with violence and hate towards the ones that are biggots. We fight drugs with ridiculous force that people turn to drugs as a way to cope. Everything; life itself, is this transcendental battle between what is "different" and what is "normal.' [We] (you, me, him, her, it) are afraid to accept differences even if they are subtle or for the better. Human nature demands we question what we can, demands we don't accept without reason, and reason what we don't expect. Life is an analogy for death. We do all this to prepare to lose it all in the end. It seems futile and inane; oxymoronic actually. We are the true personification of fear. We make our life as easy as possible to make other's harder when we leave it. That seems cruel. We should live in reposition to the barrier of the human heart. Heart we should love because our heart beats life.

xxx