xchaosx

When all else fails, rub elbows with the big dogs.

Seeing as though my last few days have been wrought with too much emotional overload and pissy behavior, I took it upon myself to come in early to work this morning and get some stuff done. Better to bury oneself in work than to dwell on emotional points of instability - or at least that's how I'm seeing it for the time being.

I'm making friends in high places, at my job. Maybe the little bit of social and networking skillz will someday pay off.

I was mentally exhausted last night, but I couldn't really rest. I had been talking on the phone with Duke, so we said our good nights and we agreed that since he wasn't feeling well that he'd rest and we could talk about some of our issues this afternoon. I got the rest of my housework done and chatted with Momsy and her friend, Brenda, for a bit. But, I was still rather edgy and couldn't relax.

Around 11ish, I got a call from Drew wanting to hang out, nothing huge. So, I ended up at his house for chain smoking, half-frozen Budweiser (which, mind you, was Brian's fault and since I'm not a drinker, made it even funnier to watch him trying to drink straight foam and slushy beer), some fucked up comedy show that I must find and TiVo as soon as possible, and mad giggling with Drew and his friend Brian.

Honestly, I just wanted a friend to talk to. Drew has been someone that I could trust to talk to and it would stay completely between us. I'm don't discuss a lot of things with him, but still... when you need a friend, you know who you can trust. He's about as unimpressed by the rampant drama in Asheville as I am, so gossipping just isn't his hobby. Instead of hashing and rehashing my personal life with him, I got a huge distraction. Drew was well aware that I was upset about the situation between Duke and I and wanted me to just relax and not think about it for awhile. It actually helped a lot. It was nice, since he and I used to pal around a lot and that hasn't happened for some time.

I know that Duke is likely to be either upset or pissed off at me when he hears about it. And I do plan on telling him about it. But, I just hope he doesn't fly off of the handle, since it was just an hour or so of hanging out with an old friend and some funny guy that needs ADHD meds badly. But, who knows... Not looking forward to the conversation, but not really dreading it either. C'est la vie. I felt really nice when I got home. Relaxed. Calm. Not something that I've felt in a minute, ya know. I think the time off was well needed.

I'm still at odds with myself on this. I really do love Duke. I want to see him succeed, in life, career, everything. But, we're just not doing so well with each other lately. It's becoming rather 'unhealthy' as vague and overused as that may sound. But how does one heal a relationship that's turned from what we once had, into this frustrating world of interloping friends and unmet expectations? Love isn't the problem. Mistakes made and personality changes are.

There is so much to consider and too many thoughts and emotions for me to handle right now. I can't even wrap my mind around certain things at this point. It will just take time.

Breaking up is hard to do, but trying to figure out and decide, between the two of us, if it can or should be fixed, is even more impossible.