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xchaosx

Hell

Member Since 2004

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Monday Jun 13, 2005

Jun 13, 2005
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And today begins by feeling like one big lump of poo.

Duke and I split last night. My choice, nobody's fault.

Brandon's wife, kooky as she may be, has proven herself to be a good person time and time again. Maybe it's about time to just accept that she's not quite normal and move on. She talked to me about things last night and put some thing in clear perspective.

I didn't sleep last night... and Duke wasn't home when I got worried and started hunting him around 10ish. I dropped off some stuff that he had unintentionally left at my house, around midnight. I went to a spot on the Parkway to clear my thoughts after that.... During my worrying and searching, Duke wasn't at any of our spots, so I don't know where he went last night - or who he went home with, since it wasn't me.

What I do know is that currently is that I can list my friends and aquaintances on one hand and I don't like it one bit. I was told that Duke is better off without me and my constant bitching by two friends last night and I'm about fed up.

So, I'm going to vent and somebody out there is damned well going to listen.

Brad, one of those lovely so-called friends, can go rot in a ditch somewhere, so far as I'm concerned. He claims that I've done nothing but bitch at Duke for the past two months. I find this hard to believe, since Brad isn't a party to mine and Duke's relationship. I'll never forgive him for the things that he said to me last night. I'll never see him as anything other than an interloping fucktard who got jealous because of the amount of time that Duke chose to spend with me, rather than Brad. I have nothing nice, or even civil, to say to him, and I can promise that he best avoid me.

Ben is a close #2 on my shitlist, but since he didn't go so far as to verbally abuse me, and was content to let Brad speak for him last night... whatever.

So, to the both of them: Go fuck yourself. I've seen mold on the underside of a convenience store bathroom sink with more dignity and maturity than either of you possess.

I've no time for anyone who can't man up to the fact that they treat their friends like conveniences and sees fit to blame me for all of their problems with a relationship that should've never concerned them.



On to Duke. I want to talk to Duke. I want to straighten some things out. I shouldn't have let other people wreck something that we have. I should've told them all to mind their own business and worry about their own lives. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect and when you allow your friends to talk to me like trash, I think it's high time that you defend the person that you love. I do it all of the time. I defended Duke against anyone who had shit to say about him. He simply didn't appreciate his friends calling me a bitch. I think inappreciation should be saved for less offensive things. But yes, I jumped on him.

I hope he's better off without me, like those fucking jerks claim that he will be. I hope that he gets past the fact that he loves me - I have to.

I'm losing a lot of the important things in my life right now, like my future and my fiancee, friendships and whatever. I want to thrash and scream and cry, but I can't. I can't lose it in front of my kids because they don't understand why mommy cries. I can't talk to my mother or show my emotions at home because she tells me that I'm crazy and that what Duke and I have isn't love, by her thoughts. I don't trust anyone enough to cry on a shoulder. So, I'm stuck. I'll just shove it down and push it out of my mind, like I always do with the hurt.

I might as well go back to being cold and hateful, like I once was. It hurts less.

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