i feel quite low today, and paranoid.
im terrified of the scan, (which i havnt even had a an appointment through the post yet)
im scared that they wont find a heart beat....... so many women dont even know that their baby has died and show no symptoms.....im so scared that ill be one of those women.....
i know its not great to feel that negative....well its not that im thinking thats whats GONNA happen, its what im scared MIGHT happen.
it doesnt help how my mother is being. she really couldnt give a toss that im pregnant.....shes not arsed in the slightlest. i have no idea why she doesnt like me that much....i have no idea why since as far back as i can remeber as a very young child, she has treated me differently......like im a lesser individual....its fucked up my life, and all my problems and issues stem from it. to not feel loved by your mother is realy really hard.....adn the thing is my dad.....well....my dad is just my dad....hes not a very hands on dad, he never has been, he was never their on christmas mornings, he never bought birthday presents etc....but thats just him....and hes never been horrible to me, and he treats everyone the same way......but my mother only treats me the way she does.
she literally walks out of the room when i talk to her...but its isnt to show me shes mad o something like that.....i think i could cope with that.....she does it because what i have to say to her....is not important. and it cuts so fucking deep.
she would always tell me to go away as a achild, because she wanted to spend time with my sister.....it hasnt changed....she sitll does it.....they go on outings....and go shopping.....and i never get invited.
worst of all.....on 2 occasions, once when i was 13 and once again when i was 18 i wrote her a letter telling her about some of my issues ( i was scared) that i self harm, my eating disorder, my depression, and suicidal thoughts......both times.....she has ignored it.
but my sister on the otherhand....totally overdoses for attention to get her boyfriend back( she took like 4 pills) and my mum has been worried about her ever since.....ringing her up...are you ok? but me.....she never asks, even when she would constantly find buckets and spoons in my room,( after i told her i was bulimic) shes not stupid....she knows...... but she ignores my pain.
she has always ignored my pain.
anways.....what im getting at is....i have no idea why this is the case....i havnt done anything wrong, im nicer than my sister, but she still prefers her...and when she was pregnant, she was the ver doting grandma already......
well obviously given my issues and problems....i havnt exactly coped with knwoing that my mother doesnt love me that much..........but where the fuck does she get off giving my child the same treatment!!!!!!!!!!
she did this before...when i told her i was pregnant before she said " oh"
when we lost it....she couldnt care less......
and now.....same....shes not bothreed....how can she noth be bothered???? what has this child done to her?? i know it hasnt done anything...execpt be inside me...is that it??
i read in a book, that beign pregnant might make you face up to your relationship with your mother....and be angry about your childhood......well im fucking so angry, i was before but lately....im so angry that shes already dismissing my child as a less human, she has no right to do that.
well....that was longer and more of a rant than i wanted but....what the hell....
i think i might go for a walk today, ive turned into a lazy lump and im supposed to excersise.....
im terrified of the scan, (which i havnt even had a an appointment through the post yet)
im scared that they wont find a heart beat....... so many women dont even know that their baby has died and show no symptoms.....im so scared that ill be one of those women.....
i know its not great to feel that negative....well its not that im thinking thats whats GONNA happen, its what im scared MIGHT happen.
it doesnt help how my mother is being. she really couldnt give a toss that im pregnant.....shes not arsed in the slightlest. i have no idea why she doesnt like me that much....i have no idea why since as far back as i can remeber as a very young child, she has treated me differently......like im a lesser individual....its fucked up my life, and all my problems and issues stem from it. to not feel loved by your mother is realy really hard.....adn the thing is my dad.....well....my dad is just my dad....hes not a very hands on dad, he never has been, he was never their on christmas mornings, he never bought birthday presents etc....but thats just him....and hes never been horrible to me, and he treats everyone the same way......but my mother only treats me the way she does.
she literally walks out of the room when i talk to her...but its isnt to show me shes mad o something like that.....i think i could cope with that.....she does it because what i have to say to her....is not important. and it cuts so fucking deep.
she would always tell me to go away as a achild, because she wanted to spend time with my sister.....it hasnt changed....she sitll does it.....they go on outings....and go shopping.....and i never get invited.
worst of all.....on 2 occasions, once when i was 13 and once again when i was 18 i wrote her a letter telling her about some of my issues ( i was scared) that i self harm, my eating disorder, my depression, and suicidal thoughts......both times.....she has ignored it.
but my sister on the otherhand....totally overdoses for attention to get her boyfriend back( she took like 4 pills) and my mum has been worried about her ever since.....ringing her up...are you ok? but me.....she never asks, even when she would constantly find buckets and spoons in my room,( after i told her i was bulimic) shes not stupid....she knows...... but she ignores my pain.
she has always ignored my pain.
anways.....what im getting at is....i have no idea why this is the case....i havnt done anything wrong, im nicer than my sister, but she still prefers her...and when she was pregnant, she was the ver doting grandma already......
well obviously given my issues and problems....i havnt exactly coped with knwoing that my mother doesnt love me that much..........but where the fuck does she get off giving my child the same treatment!!!!!!!!!!
she did this before...when i told her i was pregnant before she said " oh"
when we lost it....she couldnt care less......
and now.....same....shes not bothreed....how can she noth be bothered???? what has this child done to her?? i know it hasnt done anything...execpt be inside me...is that it??
i read in a book, that beign pregnant might make you face up to your relationship with your mother....and be angry about your childhood......well im fucking so angry, i was before but lately....im so angry that shes already dismissing my child as a less human, she has no right to do that.
well....that was longer and more of a rant than i wanted but....what the hell....
i think i might go for a walk today, ive turned into a lazy lump and im supposed to excersise.....
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I really hope everything is fine with your child. ♥