x_doug_x

i wanted to try and clarify something, so here is the original entry from earlier, and then an addition at the end.........

so, i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, which really isnt good. cuz i will just nitpick on all the little details of things and events that i have no control over. and make a really big deal out of things that others wouldnt even notice. i need to find a way to get past that, just not sure how.

i've also come to a conclusion about something, i have these fears and phobias about getting out and meeting people and stuff like that, and i got to thinking, what am i really scared of?

i used to think that i was worried that people wouldnt like me, but the more i think about it, i'm worried that they will.

sounds crazy right? well yeah, thats me. however, if someone doenst like me, big deal, fuck em, nothing you can do about it, wasnt meant to be right? i didnt expect them to like me in the first place.

but if people like me, then its like theres pressure, i feel like i dont want to let them down, or be a disappointment or something.

now this probably sounds strange to some people, if people already like you, why do you have to worry about letting them down? well i dont have a very high opinion of myself, i may have the lowest self esteem of anyone youll ever met, seriously. so its like i feel if i luck out and someone actually likes me, i need to work extra hard to make sure they continue to like me. i think its safe to say i have some abandonment issues.

ahh.. ok, i think i've let you all inside my head long enough today... it can be a scary place at times.

ok, so i what i wanted to try and clear up was that this fear and anxiety is really an in person thing only. online things are so much easier for me and i usually open up and let people in a lot more. maybe i do that too much. i'm sure some of you have talked to me on MSN or AIM or whatever when i'm really down, and sometimes i'll let a lot of things out. but its carrying over that online connection into real life that i have a big problem with, its just harder to relax and be myself in those face to face situations.

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