i'm sure youve all heard me say "life sucks" at least one time or another. and inevitably someone will always counter with something like "well, its what you make of it" or as the Suicidal Tendencies once said "if your life sucks, you suck" and i agree with both. cuz i suck. now everyone will leave post saying how i dont suck and that i shouldnt put myself down, well dont bother. cuz its true. my life sucks and its my own fault. there are things i dont like about myself and things i wish i could change, but i havent the slightest clue how to do that. and even if i did, i wouldnt go thru with it. and that sucks. i've felt pretty shitty and depressed since about 1998 with the exception of a few good days or maybe even a week here and there. i should probably get some help for that, but i wont. and that sucks. ahhh, i dont know where i'm going with this, everyone has problems and i'm sure many or all are worse than mine. i hate myself that i brought it up. someone once told me that hating yourself and being negative will not draw people to you. and at the time i thought "fuck you, what the fuck do you know?" but she was right, i dont like myself and the most negative person you'll ever meet. i'm even beyond the "glass is half empty" stage, i'm at the "glass is half empty and soon it will be completely empty and will never be full again" stage. i always overthink things and play them out in my head and convince myself that the worse possible outcome is most likely. you dont get very far by doing that, but i cant help it.
now for the longest time i've felt that if i had someone in my life, something to be happy about, i would be happy. but i dont know that i believe that anymore. chance are i'd still be unhappy, and i'd make that person unhappy too. cuz i'm so insecure, i'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. for me to do somehting wrong, or for her to say she doesnt like me anymore, or that theres someone else, or whatever. i'd always be anticipating the end of the relationship and not enjoy it while its going on. and that sucks. but for any of that to even happen i'd have to overcome my crippling shyness and anti-social behavior and actually talk to people. which i have an extremely hard time doing. and that sucks.
i dont know, i just feel really lost and hopeless and alone. now heres where someone will tell me to get help, cuz i think about suicide all the time. and no i've never tried anything and i cant see myself trying anything, but the thought is always there. usually i just hope that i wont wake up one day. or maybe a car wreck. god even when it comes to this i dont wanna "do" anything, i want something to happen to me. just like i hope that some cute girl will come up to me. and even if she did and was completely blunt (cuz i usually miss out on any signals or flirting) and said she liked me and asked me out, i wouldnt believe it, i would think it was some kind of joke and someone put her up to it. i never think girls will like me back, which is why i am starting to bummed out when i see a girl i'm attracted to, it depresses me even more, cuz i've already convinced myself that there is no way in hell she could possibly like me too.
now someone will probably say something like i'm a nice guy or something, and anyone reading this only knows me from here, and on here maybe i am, its easy here, its not face to face and its so much easier to type than talk. but in real life i'm an asshole, its a defense, push you away from the start so i dont get hurt, but its not working anymore, cuz i'm getting hurt, or i guess i'm hurting myself really.
now i'm thinking about the hurt, and what a failure i am, why do i do this to myself, tears are gonna be hitting the keyboard any second now. god i suck.
i probably shouldnt even post this.
i dont know why i'm spilling all this, no good is gonna come of it.
but in the end, even as negative as i am, i always seemed to fool myself into thinking, maybe tomorrow will be better, i know thats not true.
if youve read all this i'm sorry, you dont need to leave any comments, i dont deserve any.
having a hard time hitting that 'save entry' button. fuck.
now for the longest time i've felt that if i had someone in my life, something to be happy about, i would be happy. but i dont know that i believe that anymore. chance are i'd still be unhappy, and i'd make that person unhappy too. cuz i'm so insecure, i'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. for me to do somehting wrong, or for her to say she doesnt like me anymore, or that theres someone else, or whatever. i'd always be anticipating the end of the relationship and not enjoy it while its going on. and that sucks. but for any of that to even happen i'd have to overcome my crippling shyness and anti-social behavior and actually talk to people. which i have an extremely hard time doing. and that sucks.
i dont know, i just feel really lost and hopeless and alone. now heres where someone will tell me to get help, cuz i think about suicide all the time. and no i've never tried anything and i cant see myself trying anything, but the thought is always there. usually i just hope that i wont wake up one day. or maybe a car wreck. god even when it comes to this i dont wanna "do" anything, i want something to happen to me. just like i hope that some cute girl will come up to me. and even if she did and was completely blunt (cuz i usually miss out on any signals or flirting) and said she liked me and asked me out, i wouldnt believe it, i would think it was some kind of joke and someone put her up to it. i never think girls will like me back, which is why i am starting to bummed out when i see a girl i'm attracted to, it depresses me even more, cuz i've already convinced myself that there is no way in hell she could possibly like me too.
now someone will probably say something like i'm a nice guy or something, and anyone reading this only knows me from here, and on here maybe i am, its easy here, its not face to face and its so much easier to type than talk. but in real life i'm an asshole, its a defense, push you away from the start so i dont get hurt, but its not working anymore, cuz i'm getting hurt, or i guess i'm hurting myself really.
now i'm thinking about the hurt, and what a failure i am, why do i do this to myself, tears are gonna be hitting the keyboard any second now. god i suck.
i probably shouldnt even post this.
i dont know why i'm spilling all this, no good is gonna come of it.
but in the end, even as negative as i am, i always seemed to fool myself into thinking, maybe tomorrow will be better, i know thats not true.
if youve read all this i'm sorry, you dont need to leave any comments, i dont deserve any.
having a hard time hitting that 'save entry' button. fuck.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
If you have that little inkling of going on because tomorrow might be better, then that is good. That is something. Hold on to that.
As you know from your post, your life can only begin to be made better by you. And until you are truly ready to do what is best for yourself, to care enough about yourself to do it, then you won't. I hope that you can at some point care enough about yourself to do it.
There are people that will help you once you decide you want to help yourself. You can reach out. There are people that care. That want to help. I know reaching out seems pointless at this moment.....but please remember that the option is there. Even if it's a half-assed attempt to reach out....still remember that you can. You are not as alone as you feel.
All I can give you is the support of knowing that I hear you. And I feel for you. And I understand a lot of those feelings you have. I have felt and am feeling some of them myself. You are in my thoughts.