yeah yeah, i feel like shit, blah blah blah...
what else is new youre probably thinking, is this guy ever happy? no not really.
i've been thinking of exactly what i wanted to say here for a while but i dont feel like rambling on for several pages, so i'll try for a condensed version.
i first found this site by dumb luck really. i got an email, (in my hotmail, where i only get junk mail) and it said "someone at suicidegirls thinks youre cute" i didnt know what it was, figured it was some random porn site, but the personal touch it had made me think someone was really sending it to me, so i checked it out, good work whoever came up with that marketing plan. and then there it was, a site with the kind of porn i had been looking for, alternative porn, if you will, girls with glasses and tatoos and piercings, oh my. well i was hooked. they had a small free pics section and this is the girl that got me to buy my first months membership...
LEIA, i dont even have to show a pic of her nude, the hair, the eyes, the lips, unreal. she's archived now, but check her out. some girls used to have little movie clips too, she had two, and one was done to a white stripes song, before i even knew who they were. so after a few monthly renewals, i started to pay yearly, and i've been here ever since, i dont even remember when i first got here, since i am "old skool" and it doesnt say.
now for the longest time, like a couple years, i didnt have any friends or journal entries or anything. i didnt belong to any groups, or comment on any boards. i think i left a few random comments on the sets of the girls i liked, but nothing profound. anyway..... this was supposed to be the short version. jump ahead to March of this year and i started to find the boards and groups, and i started writing journal entries, which no one read (or least if they did, they didnt comment.) the first one where people commented, i think i just said "life sucks, anyone agree?" sounds like me right? now i think this was about the time i first applied for SG Detroit, so i think Kira was scouting me. i'm sure i didnt make a good first impression, cuz she left a comment for that which said something like "not so much, life is what you make of it" or something to that effect. so i figured there was no way in hell i was getting in there. and i didnt, until EvanX and SheWulf (BooBooKittyFuck at the time) had my back and said that i should be let in, that was very cool.
so time goes by, i join more groups (even start one) make more comments, make more friends and things are good. my whole goal is to meet some cool people on here and maybe get to hang out with them in real life, since i have only a very few "real" friends. and i wont go here (but ask if you dont know) i did meet one person in real life. it was awesome for two days, hell for two weeks, i'm kinda over it now, but theres certainly a scar.
so i guess that brings me to where i am today. feeling very alone and empty. i really have nothing going on. i get up, i go to work, i come home, i watch tv, play on here, play some video games maybe, cut the lawn, do the laundry, stuff like that. and for the most part, i really dont mind it, i dont mind "doing nothing". but i just wish i had someone to do nothing with. or go out to eat, or go to the movies or go for a walk or whatever. now heres the real problem with finding that, i am EXTREMELY shy and have little to no self esteem. now if you think maybe i'm not that shy based on anything i've ever typed here, all i can say is its a whole lot easier to hide behind a computer where you can edit your thoughts and not be bound to the first stupid thing that comes out of your mouth, if i even get the nerve to say anything at all. as for having no self esteem, (also not trusting people) the girl of my dreams could walk right up to me and tell me she loved me, and i wouldnt believe her, i would think i was being set up somehow. like i would say that i love her too and she would say, just kidding, what the hell were you thinking?
so theres that, and then seeing things like happy couples or hot girls kinda bums me out. the couples cuz its what i want and dont have, and the girls cuz its what i cant have. now Evan, i dont mean you and Missy when i talk about the couples, i am seriously happy for you guys, it does give me some hope.
so since i am pretty bummed out and pissed off all the time, i walk around with a mad at the world look on my face. doesnt exactly scream out "hi, come talk to me" which for most people is what i want, for people to just steer clear of me. i also tend to forget that i might be intimidating to some people cuz i am fairly big (tall) guy. but there are times when i do see that cute girl and i look all pissed off and she probably thinks i hate her. like theres one girl at work who i am head over heels in love with, and every time i see her, i look mad as hell cuz i hate work (or more like most of the people at work, the job itself isnt too bad).
now when i said that i didnt feel like this site was for me anymore, i just meant that sometimes i dont feel like i'm "punk" enough or something. i dont know.
and when i said that i dont know what i'm doing here, well i'm still not sure. when i first got here it was just about the porn, different porn you couldnt really find anywere else at the time. then it got to be about comments in the groups and making friends. and the ongoing fantasy is that i will meet a girl here. i think some guys come here thinking they will find sex, i never thought that, i'm not that optimistic. but all the girls i've met here that i really like either live far away, have a boyfriend (or husband, etc.) or they say they dont have a boyfriend but they really do. L.B. this does NOT mean you. just in case you thought it did.
so what am i doing here....
i'm still looking at the porn, but not as much.
i'll soon get back to commenting on the boards and groups and journals and such.
and hopefully i'll get back to making friends. as for meeting them in real life, i dont know. i dont think i'm gonna make this campout (sorry Evan) i dont know, its just the drive and then i dont really feel like staying the night and.... well, maybe next time. how many times have i said that?
and as for finding a girl............ well everyone has to have a dream, right?
what else is new youre probably thinking, is this guy ever happy? no not really.
i've been thinking of exactly what i wanted to say here for a while but i dont feel like rambling on for several pages, so i'll try for a condensed version.
i first found this site by dumb luck really. i got an email, (in my hotmail, where i only get junk mail) and it said "someone at suicidegirls thinks youre cute" i didnt know what it was, figured it was some random porn site, but the personal touch it had made me think someone was really sending it to me, so i checked it out, good work whoever came up with that marketing plan. and then there it was, a site with the kind of porn i had been looking for, alternative porn, if you will, girls with glasses and tatoos and piercings, oh my. well i was hooked. they had a small free pics section and this is the girl that got me to buy my first months membership...
LEIA, i dont even have to show a pic of her nude, the hair, the eyes, the lips, unreal. she's archived now, but check her out. some girls used to have little movie clips too, she had two, and one was done to a white stripes song, before i even knew who they were. so after a few monthly renewals, i started to pay yearly, and i've been here ever since, i dont even remember when i first got here, since i am "old skool" and it doesnt say.
now for the longest time, like a couple years, i didnt have any friends or journal entries or anything. i didnt belong to any groups, or comment on any boards. i think i left a few random comments on the sets of the girls i liked, but nothing profound. anyway..... this was supposed to be the short version. jump ahead to March of this year and i started to find the boards and groups, and i started writing journal entries, which no one read (or least if they did, they didnt comment.) the first one where people commented, i think i just said "life sucks, anyone agree?" sounds like me right? now i think this was about the time i first applied for SG Detroit, so i think Kira was scouting me. i'm sure i didnt make a good first impression, cuz she left a comment for that which said something like "not so much, life is what you make of it" or something to that effect. so i figured there was no way in hell i was getting in there. and i didnt, until EvanX and SheWulf (BooBooKittyFuck at the time) had my back and said that i should be let in, that was very cool.
so time goes by, i join more groups (even start one) make more comments, make more friends and things are good. my whole goal is to meet some cool people on here and maybe get to hang out with them in real life, since i have only a very few "real" friends. and i wont go here (but ask if you dont know) i did meet one person in real life. it was awesome for two days, hell for two weeks, i'm kinda over it now, but theres certainly a scar.
so i guess that brings me to where i am today. feeling very alone and empty. i really have nothing going on. i get up, i go to work, i come home, i watch tv, play on here, play some video games maybe, cut the lawn, do the laundry, stuff like that. and for the most part, i really dont mind it, i dont mind "doing nothing". but i just wish i had someone to do nothing with. or go out to eat, or go to the movies or go for a walk or whatever. now heres the real problem with finding that, i am EXTREMELY shy and have little to no self esteem. now if you think maybe i'm not that shy based on anything i've ever typed here, all i can say is its a whole lot easier to hide behind a computer where you can edit your thoughts and not be bound to the first stupid thing that comes out of your mouth, if i even get the nerve to say anything at all. as for having no self esteem, (also not trusting people) the girl of my dreams could walk right up to me and tell me she loved me, and i wouldnt believe her, i would think i was being set up somehow. like i would say that i love her too and she would say, just kidding, what the hell were you thinking?
so theres that, and then seeing things like happy couples or hot girls kinda bums me out. the couples cuz its what i want and dont have, and the girls cuz its what i cant have. now Evan, i dont mean you and Missy when i talk about the couples, i am seriously happy for you guys, it does give me some hope.
so since i am pretty bummed out and pissed off all the time, i walk around with a mad at the world look on my face. doesnt exactly scream out "hi, come talk to me" which for most people is what i want, for people to just steer clear of me. i also tend to forget that i might be intimidating to some people cuz i am fairly big (tall) guy. but there are times when i do see that cute girl and i look all pissed off and she probably thinks i hate her. like theres one girl at work who i am head over heels in love with, and every time i see her, i look mad as hell cuz i hate work (or more like most of the people at work, the job itself isnt too bad).
now when i said that i didnt feel like this site was for me anymore, i just meant that sometimes i dont feel like i'm "punk" enough or something. i dont know.
and when i said that i dont know what i'm doing here, well i'm still not sure. when i first got here it was just about the porn, different porn you couldnt really find anywere else at the time. then it got to be about comments in the groups and making friends. and the ongoing fantasy is that i will meet a girl here. i think some guys come here thinking they will find sex, i never thought that, i'm not that optimistic. but all the girls i've met here that i really like either live far away, have a boyfriend (or husband, etc.) or they say they dont have a boyfriend but they really do. L.B. this does NOT mean you. just in case you thought it did.
so what am i doing here....
i'm still looking at the porn, but not as much.
i'll soon get back to commenting on the boards and groups and journals and such.
and hopefully i'll get back to making friends. as for meeting them in real life, i dont know. i dont think i'm gonna make this campout (sorry Evan) i dont know, its just the drive and then i dont really feel like staying the night and.... well, maybe next time. how many times have i said that?
and as for finding a girl............ well everyone has to have a dream, right?
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
"You ain't my daddy!!!! Are you?"
I aint got nothin on Leia though. Thanks for posting her pic...she is HOT!