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"Love's disloyal friendship"

And there I was again
Driving home
watching those white lines
wiz past me
thinking again how wonderful it is
to be within your awe

only this time was different
as i drove
i thought

and as I thought
I had one of those eerie moments
where your so unbelievably honest with yourself
that it becomes an avalanche of truths

you know the ones
where you uncover a reality
that you knew existed
but never really venture within
because tapping into it merely hurts to much

God how selfish I became
how wanting beyond reality
could simply be defined
as total selfishness

and I remember thinking how so inlove i was
thinking how precious and honorable
the feelings felt

yet in simple truth
I'm ashamed at the perfection I ruined
and the love and care I took for granted

when something so special becomes not enough
merely because you want it all
rather than be happy with something so grand

I did/do love you
but I don't think i knew enough about love
to love you properly

In my mind
and my heart
I thought I was so righteous
yet as tears fell in my heart today
i realize I was everything but

feeling so unworthy
yet wanting so desperately
to create something more
because the perfection i saw
was something i would have given my life for

did you know i ruined me
I raped everything I believe

and now as we hug
I wonder if that love still exists within
or did I rip that from you
as I pulled, suggested and prayed
for the hope that you could someday
be mine

I'm sorry just doesn't cut it
simple bandads don't cover the inner wounds
falling for you brought

I do not doubt how I felt
but I do regret how I allowed it
to ooze to the surface
taking over the most important thing about love

giving

I would truly give a part of my life
to have you love me back
yet id do the same
just to have you back

You always made me feel special
wanted and loved
how ill i feel now
realizing I allowed that to go
for a mere fucked up ray of hope
that I never truly believe was possible

Looking at you while you slept
I closed my eyes as wished so hard
for things to be the same

opening them forced reality
that quite simply defined
there not

you will always be my princess
who trots within my heart
wearing plaid heart filled memories
of losing something that meant the world to me

As I walked away I couldn't turn around
emotions overcame me
as even now
some 45 minutes later
I refuse to wipe my eyes

The stickiness i feel on my cheeks
remind me of you
and what we had

On my knees I beg
that someday you forgive
not because i deserve it
but because no matter how wrong i was
i believed honorable intentions

the truth is I'm truly not worthy
for your heart is 10x greater than mine
you never put you before me
as I put want before you

Im sorry
Im ashamed
Im hurt
and Im sad

but I reep what I sowed
the emptiness I feel now
is very deserving

I do love you
with all my heart
just now that seems so tiny
compared to what i lost
and maybe cant get back

i wont ask you for that
ill merely say
i love you
and i give you my hope
it wasn't truly mine to have anyway

I did more than hurt you
I hurt us
and for that Ill never forgive
and honest never forget

Ill sleep now
resting my head on the pillow
your breath brush against
only a few hours before

but i will not cry
quite simple because
I don't deserve to

I'm broken
and I lack the desire to fix me
it all just seems so unworthy
possibly
its the first time i gave more than i wanted



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