wyspurr

wow, life is strange.
i've been thinking about love, and what it means all day...wanted to make a post about it...checked my friend's list, and apparently, everyone is thinking about love today. how freaky.

ever since i've been invloved with winter, i've been more careful about saying "i love you." it used to be that i said the words to test people, or to make them say it back. young people tend to think that if you say a thing enough, it will become true. it is true in a sense...that's what mantras are for. but the thread is a weak one. i also used to say i love you because i thought i did love. didn't really know what love was at the time though. it's kind of like a 5 year old pretending to be a teenager. words usually come before emotions are truly experienced, or never do the emotion justice to begin with.

i wish the english language was more like hawian...where they have different words for different types of love and relationships. i know i feel a multitude of different forms. but i'm always relunctant to express it...because it might get taken the wrong way...or misunderstood completely. usually, i don't even know why i feel that i love someone...well i can name the reasons i love them...just can't explain what makes me love some and not others.

i have a tendancy to passively run away from people. when i feel myself getting too close, too obcessive...i convience myself to not talk to them, or visit them for a while. it's almost like i only have an on or off switch. a week becomes a month, becomes a year. before i know it, people who i once was close to have either moved, or grown too far apart. i've had people leave me before when i get too "psycho". rather than helping me work through my emotions, they run in fear. so i try to leave before i scare them with my intense behavior.

and of course, i have a fear of people leaving me because i was alone for so long. it's like a starving man becoming glutonous.

it's nice having a friend i can talk to without having him run away. i think it's a first time for me...that i haven't needed to censor my emotions. so this is why people like psychologists...