worldablaze

I miss Iraq sometimes. Not because it's a great place, and not because I had a great time. I saw this coming while I was still there. Everything that caused me grief over there was from within my organization. Not to say I wasn't at risk by the hands of the enemy, but that never really bothered me much. Other than that, it was almost easier to get from one day to the next over there. And it was so much easier and more understandable being this alone.
Now I'm back here hating life just as much as in a war zone. And I knew this was going to happen while I was in the war zone. How fucking pathetic is that? I was hardly able to look forward to coming "home" from "war". I'm not sure explosions and gun shots even make any difference. I suffer at least as much trauma here as I did there, Maybe more. This is so painfully frustrating. It's so fucking pointless to write or talk about too. I've done it probably hundreds of time. Same fucking shit over and over again. It never ends. I might as well have written this a year ago in Baghdad, you can hardly tell the fucking difference.
What do I need to do? What does it take? I've tried so fucking hard, and still nothing is changing. Years have gone by without any improvement. Fuck the car, the house, the bike, the computers, the guns and all the other pointless, useless trinkets that I've acquired. None of it means shit. I'm still nowhere close to who I want to be, and nowhere close to the life I want to live. All my efforts seem to fall hopelessly short.
I don't remember ever being this alone. The more time goes by, the deeper my solitude seems to sink. Friends are never all they're cracked up to be. One day you're brothers, the next day there are a thousand things that are more important. Of course, they always know where to find me if they need something. Everybody's sincere until it's no longer convenient.
I haven't been this insecure since I was a fucking teenager. This is a fucking joke. Each day seems more of a struggle than the last. Waking up is painful, literally.
Fuck this blog, it just makes things worse. Fuck Fayetteville. Fuck the south. Fuck America. That's right, fuck this travesty of democracy and freedom. I'm not American, and I never will be. Fuck the army. Fuck society and humanity, nothing but a trip and face-plant of evolution. Fuck this fucked up head of mine. Fuck stupid, unintelligent, adolescent expressions of frustration and despair, like this retarded blog. Fuck whiny bitches that just can't find their place in life. Fuck me for never being good enough.
I want out. I wish I could find my way the fuck out.