So.....Here I am for the first time in months. That means it's been months since I've even been writing or journaling at all. Probably not a good thing, but I just can't seem to structure my thoughts. After all the planning and plotting and preparing...everything is still a big mess. Still somewhat injured. Still haven't gotten any closer to accomplishing my goals. Still trying to medicate with alcohol. Still not spending my time productively. Still living a life I hate. Still effectively alone. And on top of all, now I'm broke.
Everything's so confusing. I'm still sure I made the right decision staying in the army to pursue my ambitions, but sometimes it just doesn't feel right. After having been on vacation and getting a taste of real freedom for the first time in years, the stagnant state my life is still in is terrifying me. I just feel like I'm suffocating. I need changes now. I need something in my life to work out.
And now that I've finally met Cayley in person, I feel even more lost. I feel like a little kid with a crush that doesn't know what it means or what to do about it. She makes me wish I could just change my life so that I could be with her. As things stand though, we're on opposite sides of the continent with unyielding schedules, finances and lifestyles. I find myself brainstorming over and over what can be done to optimize the situation, and I can't come up with a solution. In a little over a month, I'll have the most important and challenging performance event in my life to date, and all I can think about is how badly I want to be with Cayley. And I can't really seem to determine whether it's mutual or on the same level. I've been second guessing myself more than ever for the past few weeks. It's awfully ironic how that works. She drops my confidence levels, but raises the demand for confidence. I don't understand how I get myself into these situations. I wish I could just be one of those people that are just driven by ambition and don't let emotions get in their way. I just keep setting myself up for hard falls. One step forward, 2 steps back.
As always, I end up hoping nobody reads this. I'm not sure I've figured out why I ever even started the whole blogging routine instead of just sticking to my little notepads (other than that I lost the last one). It seems inherently silly to publish private thought. And blogs like the one I just wrote don't even feel productive. I don't feel like I've even said much of anything. It's just the same garbage that nags me in my head day and night anyway. If anything, it's just especially exhausting to see it all right in front of me. I don't know. More and more I just feel like I know less and less.
If I could just fix one little thing in my life right now, I might feel less helpless. Everything I get my hands on just seems to fall apart though.
Everything's so confusing. I'm still sure I made the right decision staying in the army to pursue my ambitions, but sometimes it just doesn't feel right. After having been on vacation and getting a taste of real freedom for the first time in years, the stagnant state my life is still in is terrifying me. I just feel like I'm suffocating. I need changes now. I need something in my life to work out.
And now that I've finally met Cayley in person, I feel even more lost. I feel like a little kid with a crush that doesn't know what it means or what to do about it. She makes me wish I could just change my life so that I could be with her. As things stand though, we're on opposite sides of the continent with unyielding schedules, finances and lifestyles. I find myself brainstorming over and over what can be done to optimize the situation, and I can't come up with a solution. In a little over a month, I'll have the most important and challenging performance event in my life to date, and all I can think about is how badly I want to be with Cayley. And I can't really seem to determine whether it's mutual or on the same level. I've been second guessing myself more than ever for the past few weeks. It's awfully ironic how that works. She drops my confidence levels, but raises the demand for confidence. I don't understand how I get myself into these situations. I wish I could just be one of those people that are just driven by ambition and don't let emotions get in their way. I just keep setting myself up for hard falls. One step forward, 2 steps back.
As always, I end up hoping nobody reads this. I'm not sure I've figured out why I ever even started the whole blogging routine instead of just sticking to my little notepads (other than that I lost the last one). It seems inherently silly to publish private thought. And blogs like the one I just wrote don't even feel productive. I don't feel like I've even said much of anything. It's just the same garbage that nags me in my head day and night anyway. If anything, it's just especially exhausting to see it all right in front of me. I don't know. More and more I just feel like I know less and less.
If I could just fix one little thing in my life right now, I might feel less helpless. Everything I get my hands on just seems to fall apart though.