Well....this is getting rough. I'm having a really hard time taking myself seriously typing on a fucking blog no one will ever read, but it replaces my little booklet, so whatever. Not like I actually have shit to say.
If these withdrawal symptoms from my fucking meds finally subside, I'll probably just stay off the shit. I'm pretty fucking sick of this. Week 3 and I still don't know what's me, what's me without meds, and what's me tweaking due to withdrawal symptoms. This is why I never wanted to take any meds in the first place, this is why I resisted for almost 8 years even though it was professionally and personally suggested again and again over the years. I just want to be me. If I'm not fucking good enough, no amount of meds will fix it. And either way, I can't pop pills forever. Circumstances will always arise to make life difficult, there's no way around that. So there's no point waiting for some perfect day that will never come.
I'm feeling really vulnerable now, and I fucking resent that. I'm feeling lonely, and I had decided not to let that happen. I'm feeling more scared of myself than I have in years, I think. I have goals right now, big plans. If my confidence keeps swaying like this, I risk failure. I'll fuck things up the way I have been my entire life. I have to rebuild, because right now I have nothing to fall back on.
Fuck this. I just have to get the fuck out of here and start on my projects. I've been making lists and plans most of my fucking deployment now. There comes a point when you can't optimize any more lists or write down any more goals. I've reached that point, all that's left to be done is execute the plans. I need to get started. I'm so eager for selection. I'm starving for the pain and challenge of preparing for it and enduring everything I have to in order to succeed. I want it now. It means more than getting into Special Forces, which means plenty on it's own. It means standing up, getting off my fucking knees that I've been dragging bloody for years. It means digging through the pile of ashes of my burnt down life that I've left on the ground, and using the few remains to rebuild. It means earning strength and knowledge through adversity. In a way it even means making up for mistakes. And I need to get started. I need it badly.
If these withdrawal symptoms from my fucking meds finally subside, I'll probably just stay off the shit. I'm pretty fucking sick of this. Week 3 and I still don't know what's me, what's me without meds, and what's me tweaking due to withdrawal symptoms. This is why I never wanted to take any meds in the first place, this is why I resisted for almost 8 years even though it was professionally and personally suggested again and again over the years. I just want to be me. If I'm not fucking good enough, no amount of meds will fix it. And either way, I can't pop pills forever. Circumstances will always arise to make life difficult, there's no way around that. So there's no point waiting for some perfect day that will never come.
I'm feeling really vulnerable now, and I fucking resent that. I'm feeling lonely, and I had decided not to let that happen. I'm feeling more scared of myself than I have in years, I think. I have goals right now, big plans. If my confidence keeps swaying like this, I risk failure. I'll fuck things up the way I have been my entire life. I have to rebuild, because right now I have nothing to fall back on.
Fuck this. I just have to get the fuck out of here and start on my projects. I've been making lists and plans most of my fucking deployment now. There comes a point when you can't optimize any more lists or write down any more goals. I've reached that point, all that's left to be done is execute the plans. I need to get started. I'm so eager for selection. I'm starving for the pain and challenge of preparing for it and enduring everything I have to in order to succeed. I want it now. It means more than getting into Special Forces, which means plenty on it's own. It means standing up, getting off my fucking knees that I've been dragging bloody for years. It means digging through the pile of ashes of my burnt down life that I've left on the ground, and using the few remains to rebuild. It means earning strength and knowledge through adversity. In a way it even means making up for mistakes. And I need to get started. I need it badly.
mavericka:
baby hang on *much love* i've had to deal with meds, lots of them taking them not talking them. At this point I've forgotten what normal is supposed to be like. wish I could give you a real hug.