wolfwood

I have a lot of stuff to do, but I'm being lazy.

Things are okay with Neil. I thought we were going to break up but then we talked about what he was worried about and now things are going all right. I always worry that because we have stuff like this come up every month or so, that's a bad sign, but then we talk about everything, so that's good, and every couple gets problems but a lot of people don't want to talk about stuff.

My aunt died of a heart attack on Thursday. Don't tell me you're sorry because I barely knew her, so I don't really miss her. She was really cool, but then about fifteen years ago she had a really bad divorce and she went crazy; she was really paranoid and she talked to herself and wouldn't go on medication and pretty much refused all help. So pretty all that I remember is her acting really childish or insane and pissing everyone off, but when she was normal she was really smart and traveled a lot and spoke a lot of languages and stuff. Like I said, she wouldn't go to a regular doctor for *anything* ever, so when they did the autopsy report, they found out she had advanced coronary disease, which of course no one knew she even had since she wouldn't go to a doctor. What happened was she went in the bathroom at the campus christian center, and she died. She probably didn't recognize the symptoms and didn't know she was having a heart attack. My mom and my grandma are pretty upset. She was my mom's oldest sister (most of my mom's sisters are like 10-15 years younger than her), so Linda (my aunt) and my mom were pretty close when they were younger. They had the same dad (my grandma was married three times). And my grandma is really upset too. She was a doctor, so she probably felt that she could've or should've helped somehow, since that's her field. The funeral is on Wednesday. I feel bad because I feel like I should miss her more, or be more upset, but I really didn't know her when she was normal, and I barely saw her at all. They think her heart attack was probably due to her diet, because for the last 15 years she had been living off of diet caffiene free Coke, Hershey's chocolate powder, and chocolate Slim Fast bars (I'm not kidding; I never saw her eat fruits or vegetables or even a piece of bread).

I guess this just makes me think of health stuff a lot. My dad has Parkinson's Disease, and his sister is obese and then my aunt just died of a heart attack. A lot of people I know smoke or never exercise and have horrible eating habits, and if I ever say anything to them, they just blow me off. People talk about how teenagers always think they're invincible, but I think that goes for a lot more people; pretty much anyone who's never spent a lot of time with someone with health problems. They just bullshit themselves into thinking that they're special or magical and nothing will ever happen to them. Or else they say "I don't care." So you really don't care if you can't walk and you're in pain all the time and you can't feed yourself or bath yourself and you piss yourself all the time and you can't even lift a bag of groceries? Bullshit. People just tell themselves nothing will ever happen to them until they actually believe it. And I'm not perfect either; I drink and do drugs and eat unhealthy food (not tons and tons but I do do that stuff), but I know I have to try to actively be healthy, like eating right and exercising, because if I don't, it *will* catch up with me. But most of the people I know don't. They smoke and live off of fast food and if I ever say anything they just blow me off. Like they're completely convinced that nothing will *ever* happen to them, until something actually does and then they're going to kick themselves for being so stupid. Your health is the most important thing you have. If you lose it, you have nothing. Money or friends or a big house isn't going to make up for having heart disease or kidney failure or cancer. It just makes me really angry sometimes, the way people are so stupid about it.