wolfmother

Embrace the Suck

I have been accused fairly often of being opinionated, aggressive, and aloof; pretty much a bitch. I dont particularly like this description so Ive been trying to learn some social skills that allow me to express my inner feelings far more accurately. So far Ive been failing miserably. I consider myself an empathic person with a whimsical sense of humour and a genuine desire to understand people but it doesnt always seem that way. I think it has a lot to do with the tone of voice I use when I speak that makes it seem like Im a smart-ass, which I am, but thats my Dads fault.

People fascinate me so I love learning about their lives and deconstructing their behaviour and theorise how they came about thinking that way and making those choices in their lives. It gives me insight into how to help them with any advice they seek from me, and they do for some reason, as if I know what the hell Im talking about. The problem is, they dont always like what comes out of my mouth which is understandable, especially when I emphasize their responsibility in creating their particular drama. When I see something that is off, I cant help but vocalise it because it needs to be brought into the light for it to change. Unfortunately, most people dont want to change, though they think they do, and dont welcome any real constructive criticism. People want to be validated, not analyzed. Im afraid that I have not acquired the skill of bullshitting very well. So, naturally, I come across as being judgemental, which I suppose I am and then I get awarded a lovely title and no one wants to hang out with me.

Ive tried showing interest in people but then the social situation becomes awkward because the conversation lulls when something conflicting comes up and I point it out. Ive tried keeping my thoughts to myself at least when something minor comes up but Im pretty transparent and people can generally see what Im thinking in my expression anyways. When anyone shares a personal story or expresses an opinion, they are inviting conversation, and thus others opinions on the subject. This is social interaction. However most people indulge in what I like to call shallow conversations, which is pretty much conversing about nothing in particular in order to be politically correct. I.E; talking to fill the silence. So nothing really gets said and is thus, incredibly boring.

Im all for the concept of to each their own as long as their own doesnt invade my personal space. Which it generally does when they try to explain their behaviour to me in search of my opinion on it, for validation mind you and not real insight, and they get the truth that I see. Then they pretty much asked for it. So I either stir it up and become the Shit-disturber, or I ignore them and come across as being unsociable. There just isnt any winning.

I cant help be the person I am, thinking the way I do, though Ive tried changing it to be far more sociable than I am now. The result: complete clusterfuck. I just cant do it. I cant fake interest in a person who is a complete moron and brags about it and not try and destroy their world. It draws me. Stupidity draws me because it must be destroyed. I am truly fascinated by peoples inner deceptions and I enjoy unravelling them. Perhaps I am self-righteous in thinking my astute observations are as fascinating to me as to them but there you have it.

I am strong in my convictions because I think thoroughly through my opinions on things and am not afraid to argue them if it conflicts with someone elses. Its what a friend of mine calls my Bulldog complex. I figure, if someone is bold enough to express their opinion on something, they better be ready to back it up because otherwise its an empty thought. If I am labelled a certain way for expressing my own opinion, then so be it. I will embrace the suck.