It's over. She broke it off. She was uncomfortable with it, and so, here I am, alone, while they stay together and have each other.
He tells me it should be enough that we're really close friends, and it cuts me deeply when he diminishes my hurt. It isn't enough to see love where I can't have it; I am so sick of being in love with people who aren't in love with me. It isn't enough to know I could have someone and not have them. I crave physical love. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms. I want someone to hold me when I'm crying instead of pat me on the knee and whisper reassurances. I want someone to kiss goodnight, someone to brush my hair out of my face and stare into my eyes and tell me they love me and mean it with all their heart. It isn't enough to be so close and be shut out by destiny or whatever he calls it. I wish it wasn't the truth...I wish we had a future. But I know we don't. She says maybe another time, but I know there won't be another time. They have each other and that's all they need. And I'm welcome but unwelcome.
I feel used and abused and lead on and locked out. It's like, "Thanks, but no thanks." And I know that's not what they meant to happen, but it did, and it's how I feel, and I'm hurt and alone. They can tell me we're friends and they love me and they'll be there for me, but it's not enough. It doesn't make me feel wanted. And even when she said she loved me, I didn't feel it. There was always something missing in her eyes. I just wish we'd all been honest with each other in the first place. I knew what I wanted, and now I know what she wanted, but I guess I still don't know what he wanted. What was he thinking? Was he just living a fantasy? Content with however it played out? I don't think he's that selfish. He never complained, but he was tentative. I could feel it, like he wasn't sure if it was right, but he wanted it to be right.
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore. It's all fucked up, and I feel like I've been thrown away in that respect. I guess I haven't been removed from their lives at all, really, but I can't shake the image of standing in a snowstorm shivering while I see them warm in a cabin enjoying themselves, oblivious to my hypothermia.
I just want someone to hold me...I want to go back to Friday night and not be a bitch and roll over and be under his arm, I want to go back to Saturday and say, "No, I'll stay," and stay until today instead of giving into the craving for one more long drive, I want to go back to March and climb into bed that morning, I want to go back to that party and speak my four-in-the-morning mind...I don't want to be afraid, and I want to be with someone. I'm so ready to be with someone. I thought I would be with someone, two someones, but that wasn't to be; nothing I want is ever to be.
He tells me it should be enough that we're really close friends, and it cuts me deeply when he diminishes my hurt. It isn't enough to see love where I can't have it; I am so sick of being in love with people who aren't in love with me. It isn't enough to know I could have someone and not have them. I crave physical love. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms. I want someone to hold me when I'm crying instead of pat me on the knee and whisper reassurances. I want someone to kiss goodnight, someone to brush my hair out of my face and stare into my eyes and tell me they love me and mean it with all their heart. It isn't enough to be so close and be shut out by destiny or whatever he calls it. I wish it wasn't the truth...I wish we had a future. But I know we don't. She says maybe another time, but I know there won't be another time. They have each other and that's all they need. And I'm welcome but unwelcome.
I feel used and abused and lead on and locked out. It's like, "Thanks, but no thanks." And I know that's not what they meant to happen, but it did, and it's how I feel, and I'm hurt and alone. They can tell me we're friends and they love me and they'll be there for me, but it's not enough. It doesn't make me feel wanted. And even when she said she loved me, I didn't feel it. There was always something missing in her eyes. I just wish we'd all been honest with each other in the first place. I knew what I wanted, and now I know what she wanted, but I guess I still don't know what he wanted. What was he thinking? Was he just living a fantasy? Content with however it played out? I don't think he's that selfish. He never complained, but he was tentative. I could feel it, like he wasn't sure if it was right, but he wanted it to be right.
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore. It's all fucked up, and I feel like I've been thrown away in that respect. I guess I haven't been removed from their lives at all, really, but I can't shake the image of standing in a snowstorm shivering while I see them warm in a cabin enjoying themselves, oblivious to my hypothermia.
I just want someone to hold me...I want to go back to Friday night and not be a bitch and roll over and be under his arm, I want to go back to Saturday and say, "No, I'll stay," and stay until today instead of giving into the craving for one more long drive, I want to go back to March and climb into bed that morning, I want to go back to that party and speak my four-in-the-morning mind...I don't want to be afraid, and I want to be with someone. I'm so ready to be with someone. I thought I would be with someone, two someones, but that wasn't to be; nothing I want is ever to be.