wofats

fuck life has been nuts. I'm about to take the boys out for a hike in der mountains. Then up to Denver to hang with Samm and the crew for her birthday and the SGB... Like what I need to is to see mostly naked girls live in the flesh. ;-) Like taking a starving man to a buffet and telling him he can look, but not eat. ;-)
I called Audrey yesterday. Who the fuck is Audrey you are asking... Well she was my only true real girlfriend. Not that I haven't tried, but since her there hasn't been a girl who's said oh he's my boyfriend and been talking about me. Audrey dumped me cold exactly 12 years ago... yep, I couldn't even drink legally. When it happend I was beyond crushed. I have never felt that kind of pain in my life and I truly never wish to again. After she left some friends told me that they had seen her around town. They also mentioned she had been hanging close with a group of lesbians. I kinda hoped that was true. To lose her and have her go to another man.. well yeah, how can that not cause me to feel diminished... but to lose her to a woman... no ego blow to me there. I too love women so I can understand the attraction... also, I can't compete on that level... that's not because I'm not a good enough man... it's simply because I am a man.
Every now and then I'll put her name or the names of people who had a part in my life in Google and see if anything pops up. (I really hope that doesn't seem stalkerish) Yesterday something finally popped up for Audrey. Her phone number. She is apparently a real estate agent up in northern colorado. She had a bulletin type advertisement... well just her name and phone and BH&G Wheeler listed. It was on a gay online community board. So I called and left a message. Basically said that it was me... I just wanted to call and say hello. I left my number and then told her I would still respect her wishes for no contact. (I wrote her a year after we broke up to say that I would always have a place for her in my heart as we had spent some of our most formative years together... 16 - 20... She responded saying that she never wanted to hear from me again) I said I hoped she would touch base, but if not, I understood.

Looking back I remember thinking almost nightly...'Can't we just have fun tonight? I'm ready to be happy... I want to laugh and play and make love and just be happy together... Maybe that she couldn't be happy was more of a result of her being either confused about what kind of relationship she really wanted and with whom. I dunno.... I'm kinda looking for that silver lining that says I wasn't doing anything wrong, Or that it wasn't that I just wasn't desireable enough.


Ah crap...