witchartist

Hi Blog,
Here it is New Years Eve again, YIPEEE!!! Did that sound half-hearted? I meant it to be a little more upbeat because of the fact I am still on this side of the daisies/sod/turf, whatever you want to call it. I didnt think I would be, didnt think Id make it to the end of 2010. It took a lot of energy to get to this point and I cant thank enough so many of my friends here. One just asked me how she helped with my recovery. I dont know as I gave her a good enough answer, I hope so. I may not really know myselfat least I dont know or understand all of the shades and layers and nuances of what I feel. I do know one thing; Id rather be on this side of the turf than under it. So, enough said on that issue.
To continue my reflection on this journeythe reason for a half-hearted Happy New Year. Mt dad died 17 years ago tonight. I got the call while I was playing cards with friends herehe died alone in Illinois. My mother had just left the hospital where he was trying to recover from his latest bout with heart problems related to emphysema and other health issues. I knew as soon as the phone rang that it was her and the news was bad. He was sick for two years and on the verge of going into a nursing home because my mother couldnt care for him at home any longer. I saw him earlier in the year, but not for a long enough visit. He was IS my hero. He never complained throughout all of his health problems, the endless hospital stays, the quadruple bypass surgery, having to give up everything he loved doing, especially playing golf. Goddess, I am in tears writing this, the pain is as fresh as it was 17 years ago.
I think, oh hell, I KNOW his death was a turning point in my life. Now, as I finish my counseling degree work and look back over all the courses dealing with family, lifespan, and development issues, I can see what his death really meant to me as his son and as a man. I lost my rock, my chief source of support as a man. The things he taught me have registered and I am beginning to understand now what he wanted to pass along to me, but it has taken all these years to figure it outand I am still in the middle of the process! I think that is why I love my friends here so muchsomehow they can see (in my artwork? Or in what I write?) the stuff he gave me, taught me, instilled in me. Even if I cant see everything, yetall of you can and thats a good start.
So, dad, pamy fatheryou will always be my hero, my rock, the best man I have ever known. I will always try to make you proud of me, even with all my faults (and there are many). I will always be proud to call you my dad. I will always love you as I can love no other person. Thanks for giving me the strength to make it to the end of 2010. Now I have to close this because I am crying too much and I need to go draw and paint. You taught me how to express my creativity, my talent (that YOU gave me) as an artistI go to do that now in your honor.
And to everyone here at SG, Happy New Yearmay all your wishes for 2011 come true. May you all be happy and safe. May you give and feel love given to you. For my part I love you all very much.
XOXOXOXO



My ma and pa shortly before he got sick.