wisp

I had a liberating weekend. Not Only did I manage to score a
little pickup truck for $100 from the friend I am going to be staying
with in lovely Sf, but I have been a maelstrom of non-processing
personal reflection.

All so so good. Like most everybody else it seems I am reflecting on
the pernicous inter-personal habits born of fear, loss, and
for me personally terribly low self esteem (see meaningless personality
theory #1)....

Its so fucked up the way that I had basically been ignoring lots of
inconsiderate habits -

[ like not really listening to people whom I
really could/did have a deep connection with, because I didn't really want to
hear them telling me stuff that wasn't exactly what I wanted to be
hearing...]

Here's a fun one I also gave some thought - Processing as a means
to keep you from having to deal with an emotional issue situation.
Processing was such a convienent way to recontectualize the actual
sit. into a place that wasn't threatening (and no longer really
true). [standard this is my personal shit disclaimer..not dissing
thoughtful reflection here but classic lesbo 'processing']

Oh and of course the big one - I didn't want to see how much I
still have been dealng with emotional ties to my last relationship
and how much that has been coloring how I contextualize other things in
my life. Its more subtle and perverrse than just a yearning for an
ex. Its some kind of compulsion to look from an angle that you are
used to even when you basically know this is new. Throw in some
of the above mix and wonderfully alienating shit can emerge.

So I went out to an event last night and hung with somone with whom
I have ferocious physical chemistry with. Previously I have been semi
conciously struggling with chem=something else too. with her despite the
rational part of me KNOWING she and are would have been really bad news.
So hanging at the event w/ her and other friends I was just relieved. I
was a tired kitty, but really last night finally at peace with not needing to
look at people in terms of fufilling something I lack, but letting me share in
the wonderful things that they have cause little ol' me is cool/whatever in return.

I am feeling like I have been suffering through one hell
of a hangover.

Ok. This was way way longer than I had figured I would spit out..
So on to a fun thing - help me name my little mettalic blue
chevy S10 rusty pickup truck!

I will get a picture up shortly, but I have decided it is a little boy
truck - it just absorbed the spirit of the sweetheart boy I bought it
from. Discuss!