wisdomhope

i'm sitting here thinking about hitting my head to the pillow soon. just took a look at old pictures, thinking of how much things have changed in the last year, two years... three years. it's crazy. i've grown a lot. changed a lot. people have come and gone, and of course the people that i've always had are still right here. i've been through major shit in the last year but i wouldn't change a thing. yeah, there's been plenty of pain to go around but without it, i wouldn't be who i am now... and neither would anyone else. they say things happen for a reason and i've really started to believe that. but i'm also a strong believer in predestination... whatever was planned to happen, is going to... there's nothing we can do to change it, so just go with the flow cause we're all going to end up where ever it is we were meant to anyway. everything i've done, was planned for me to do before i was even a thought in my parents minds. everything i'm going to do is already known by God. too bad He couldn't just give me a heads up so i can strap in and brace for the coming crash, right?

i'm out of high school now... trying to work full time for a while before college and this all just seems sort of surreal that i'm in the real world. everything i've wanted is right in front of me waiting for me to capture it and make it mine and all i have to do is work my ass off for it. this is great.



i've got a voice in my head telling me everything's gunna be alright, just work my ass off, move up north, and be happily ever after. i'm tired of hearing the same uplifting words coming from the same voice that keeps repeatedly building me up just to break me down.

and that's the big thing weighing on my mind lately.

ten months of being soo wrapped up in someone and letting myself lose track of what i want for myself, letting someone treat me like shit, then pep talk me into having hope for a better future. it's always the same. it's not even the words that get me down every time; it's the lack of attention and caring, the complete neglect of anything i may find important to talk about for five minutes, the completely ignored attempts at communication and of course the hiding of a major issue from me for six months just so i can find out in the worse way possible. but what did i do? i took it in, thought about it, and overcame what i saw as an obsticle. i didn't abandon ship and ignore anyone for a week, he did. but when i get tired of being ignored constantly, i'm the bad guy. he flips the fuck out about some friend he insisted i was flirting with... screams at me while i'm sick in bed for 3 hours and then tops it all out with hands around the neck, ignores me for three days, moves 12 hours away without even a goodbye, i break up with him... and I'M the bad guy? i see no logic in that.

but really... to top it all off with elaborate plans of me moving and working my ass off to live somewhere where i have nothing going for me... where i'm supposed to trust that someone is going to treat me the way i should be treated when he can't even keep his word to pick me up from work, come over when he says he's on his way, or for once call back when he says he will? but i'm supposed to believe that everything is going to be okay cause we'll live together and be around eachother all of the time, and get married. right.

so i move on. and i'm the bad guy. i'm not getting too excited yet... i just don't do that anymore. i've grown up enough to know that things don't always work out. people aren't always who they claim to be, or what they are. but i'm hopefully no doubt. so far things are awesome and i'm pretty damn happy. we'll see how this one plays out.

here goes another year.