Reading old blogs and realized not a lot has changed. Emotionally that is. I'm still completely lost, still suppressing the emotional side of me behind a smile and honestly I'm pretty sure it's about time for me to seek help. I don't have anyone to talk to, or better yet I feel like I don't. I always feel like if I'm not making someone laugh then I'm useless to them. I feel as if I'm not allowed to have another side. I'm just suppose to be the white of the white and black cookie.
It gives me good material to write from, my instability mentally I mean. I feel like even when I think I'm better I'm not. I'm so good at laughing I've even convinced myself. Truth be told I feel like I've made friends with a black hole. I keep it near me but covered with some cool old school concert poster. Every once in awhile I peel it back and crawl in my friend the hole, which is equipped with a bed and all the things I need so that I'm comfortable in my segregation of course.
I miss my grandmother. I miss feeling like I have someone on my side. I wish I had someone I could vent to so that all of this isn't pent up for 3 more years and then comes spilling out in a sg blog post. I probably do it to myself. Push everyone away so that I can sabotage myself, convincing myself that anything other than a smile is a burden to other people. Blah.....
Done. Sorry for being a downer. Back to your summer day.
;)
