Being young sucks.
Knowing young people sucks even more. Because it becomes a sea of vague emotions that aren't directed in any particular direction. No one will be willing to be straight up with you, and stupid things will be done for no good reason. Mood swings and the constant rearranging of relationships affect everything. People don't try to grow up -- it becomes a problem.
I'm very glad that I've avoided pulling the bullshit of being young for most of my life. I'm very glad that I don't cling to desperation, because I think there's only one person who understands me, that there's only one who cares. Thinking that way is stupid. Because, to be honest, part of growing up is to realize no one truly cares until they're burrowed into your life, and you into their's.
Call it cynical. Call it hypocritical bullshit. A worldview is a worldview, and while I'm sure there is a natural goodness to mankind, there's also a far more natural rabidness that puts the "me" quotient high above the "you".
I guess maybe I'm just sick of the broken promises, the overdramatic arguments, that complete immaturity that I catch all around me.
I need something new. Someone new. Someone who's a bit more delicate with my heart when I lend it out.
Last summer, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with Ioana. Over the past couple weeks, my care for seeing her has dropped so dramatically. I haven't seen her in a week, and I could probably go another week without feeling the twinge, that irreversible twitch. Maybe it's because when I think someone has found a person that they can connect with more than me (and constantly wants to connect with them more than me), when I know my role in the group shrinks and shrinks and shrinks -- when I fade into the shadows of social situations -- I learn to stop caring. I feel like I want to leave. Being alone, I know I'm never less important than myself. Especially when I know that whenever I go to that person's place, most likely I'll see this new variable sitting there and squeezing me out. This has been happening, by and by. When my friend dropped out of seeing the preview for Charlie And The Chocolate Factory because of a recurring cold, I told Ioana and Jutka that there was pretty much an open slot for someone to come along.
She invites the guy.
At the theater, they talk only to each other. Don't reach out to anyone else. It made everyone else view them as snobs. She spent as little time as she could talking to me once we got there, and only concentrated on me back at the motel once he had gone off to get ready after being invited. It's starting to seem to me that she's shutting me off from being important to her, but that may be paranoia.
It still blows me away, though. How she's shut off a lot of the passion of seeing me so suddenly. Before, when I saw her, it was bright smiles, a hug, a peck on the cheek.
Now it's "Hi" and nothing more. A "how are you" for politeness, sometimes.
It does suck to be a non-aggressive and respectful suburban boy who finds him surrounded by exotic people who run off the heat of an emotion locomotive.
And sometimes I think I might be the only guy who's had like 700 girl problems without having had a real girlfriend in about two years.
I need all the good karma I've accumulated to actually pay off so I can stop bitching in this thing. I hate bitching. I hate sitting and dwelling on the negative, because I like to view things more optimistically (despite the section of my worldview described above. It's a whole Buddhist thing -- life sucks, but you know that you can improve it in that case).
I was supposed to shoot an SB set today, but it's my photographer's last day with her boyfriend for two weeks, so she's off licking her wounds somewhere (although two weeks is not a long time, no matter how in love you are).
Yet another long-winded entry by your's truly. I don't think people make it through these things at all, ever. Who has the time these days to sit down and read this babbling a read?
Knowing young people sucks even more. Because it becomes a sea of vague emotions that aren't directed in any particular direction. No one will be willing to be straight up with you, and stupid things will be done for no good reason. Mood swings and the constant rearranging of relationships affect everything. People don't try to grow up -- it becomes a problem.
I'm very glad that I've avoided pulling the bullshit of being young for most of my life. I'm very glad that I don't cling to desperation, because I think there's only one person who understands me, that there's only one who cares. Thinking that way is stupid. Because, to be honest, part of growing up is to realize no one truly cares until they're burrowed into your life, and you into their's.
Call it cynical. Call it hypocritical bullshit. A worldview is a worldview, and while I'm sure there is a natural goodness to mankind, there's also a far more natural rabidness that puts the "me" quotient high above the "you".
I guess maybe I'm just sick of the broken promises, the overdramatic arguments, that complete immaturity that I catch all around me.
I need something new. Someone new. Someone who's a bit more delicate with my heart when I lend it out.
Last summer, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with Ioana. Over the past couple weeks, my care for seeing her has dropped so dramatically. I haven't seen her in a week, and I could probably go another week without feeling the twinge, that irreversible twitch. Maybe it's because when I think someone has found a person that they can connect with more than me (and constantly wants to connect with them more than me), when I know my role in the group shrinks and shrinks and shrinks -- when I fade into the shadows of social situations -- I learn to stop caring. I feel like I want to leave. Being alone, I know I'm never less important than myself. Especially when I know that whenever I go to that person's place, most likely I'll see this new variable sitting there and squeezing me out. This has been happening, by and by. When my friend dropped out of seeing the preview for Charlie And The Chocolate Factory because of a recurring cold, I told Ioana and Jutka that there was pretty much an open slot for someone to come along.
She invites the guy.
At the theater, they talk only to each other. Don't reach out to anyone else. It made everyone else view them as snobs. She spent as little time as she could talking to me once we got there, and only concentrated on me back at the motel once he had gone off to get ready after being invited. It's starting to seem to me that she's shutting me off from being important to her, but that may be paranoia.
It still blows me away, though. How she's shut off a lot of the passion of seeing me so suddenly. Before, when I saw her, it was bright smiles, a hug, a peck on the cheek.
Now it's "Hi" and nothing more. A "how are you" for politeness, sometimes.
It does suck to be a non-aggressive and respectful suburban boy who finds him surrounded by exotic people who run off the heat of an emotion locomotive.
And sometimes I think I might be the only guy who's had like 700 girl problems without having had a real girlfriend in about two years.
I need all the good karma I've accumulated to actually pay off so I can stop bitching in this thing. I hate bitching. I hate sitting and dwelling on the negative, because I like to view things more optimistically (despite the section of my worldview described above. It's a whole Buddhist thing -- life sucks, but you know that you can improve it in that case).
I was supposed to shoot an SB set today, but it's my photographer's last day with her boyfriend for two weeks, so she's off licking her wounds somewhere (although two weeks is not a long time, no matter how in love you are).
Yet another long-winded entry by your's truly. I don't think people make it through these things at all, ever. Who has the time these days to sit down and read this babbling a read?