ever look back on your younger self and wonder who that person was?
i have, and it amazes me that i have made it this far without any medications or therapy given my violent upbringing and my temper.
i think part of it is not playing the victim and taking full responsibility for the harm i have caused. hell, i still have the occasional nightmare about the violence.
my family stuck with me and has forgiven me yet i have this wave of guilt from time to time that overwhelms me.
maybe that's why i end up driving people off. i know what i'm capable of and i don't ever want to be that way again.
it's still there though, i can feel it. in the almost 20 years since i have hit someone in anger there have been 2-3 times i have come close, very close. but although i was shaking with rage i had enough presence of mind to walk away and calm down.
as much as i keep it under control i think i externalize some of it unconsciously. i have had several people over the years admit that when they first met me i scared the hell out of them. not because i did anything but just by the way i carried myself. hmm maybe that's part of the "keep people away" defense mechanism?
also over the years i have been accused of not being aggressive enough. if they only knew. i have to be as passive as possible because for me it's usually all or nothing.
thinking about it i take back that "no therapy" statement. moshing is my therapy. it puts me in a somewhat violent situation and i keep control. in fact i usually end up as a referee in the pit. over the 10+ years i have been moshing i have only had to take out 2 people. drunk idiots who tried to start something and that was usually settled with a punch or two, no more, and i was able to keep my calm doing it.
i think being passive acutally cost me a friend last year as well. i think i disappointed her by not being as aggressive as she thought i'd be. ah well, you can't be everything to everyone.
i would have been more aggressive that is a threshold i'm not willing to cross.
ok, i've rambled on long enough and if you have read it this far you're now either a) scared b)concerned c) were bored and had nothing better to do
i have, and it amazes me that i have made it this far without any medications or therapy given my violent upbringing and my temper.
i think part of it is not playing the victim and taking full responsibility for the harm i have caused. hell, i still have the occasional nightmare about the violence.
my family stuck with me and has forgiven me yet i have this wave of guilt from time to time that overwhelms me.
maybe that's why i end up driving people off. i know what i'm capable of and i don't ever want to be that way again.
it's still there though, i can feel it. in the almost 20 years since i have hit someone in anger there have been 2-3 times i have come close, very close. but although i was shaking with rage i had enough presence of mind to walk away and calm down.
as much as i keep it under control i think i externalize some of it unconsciously. i have had several people over the years admit that when they first met me i scared the hell out of them. not because i did anything but just by the way i carried myself. hmm maybe that's part of the "keep people away" defense mechanism?
also over the years i have been accused of not being aggressive enough. if they only knew. i have to be as passive as possible because for me it's usually all or nothing.
thinking about it i take back that "no therapy" statement. moshing is my therapy. it puts me in a somewhat violent situation and i keep control. in fact i usually end up as a referee in the pit. over the 10+ years i have been moshing i have only had to take out 2 people. drunk idiots who tried to start something and that was usually settled with a punch or two, no more, and i was able to keep my calm doing it.
i think being passive acutally cost me a friend last year as well. i think i disappointed her by not being as aggressive as she thought i'd be. ah well, you can't be everything to everyone.
i would have been more aggressive that is a threshold i'm not willing to cross.
ok, i've rambled on long enough and if you have read it this far you're now either a) scared b)concerned c) were bored and had nothing better to do