These past months, I've changed. In my absence, I've realised a lot of things, drawn a lot of conclusions and felt a lot of pain. I'm not the same person now. The music is darker, darkest black. My moods are deep, my feelings genuine, the darker side of life my new domain. I've begun several new hobbies, some of which may seem pointless. Origami, rope-tying, sewing. They give me time to think. Time to busy my physical self and reflect on my thoughts, the unilluminated caverns of my mind.
''Twilight possesses, the heart of your soul. The starlight is fading to black... to the Demon's Gate.''
Regardless of how my family feels, society at large feels, the capitalist machine tries to tell me to feel; I'm a dark person. My mind is filled with thoughts I've been convinced are wrong. Life is not all sunshine and buttercups. Life is nothing if not diverse. I reside within the blood-ridden, contemplative darkness, for most of my existence. But since when does that have to define me? It doesn't. I can reside within the darkness of existence, and still appreciate life. I AM respectful, even if my thoughts don't conform to the social norm. And since when does society have the authority to lay out the blueprint for what I am? As far as I can see, society is completely biased. Despite the feminist movement, women are still treated, by the media at large, as being defined by the clothes they wear, and how much make-up is needed to make them presentable. And this is the society I tried to break into? Why? Since its believed by so many, I tried, desperately, to break into it. To censor my own thoughts, and become one of the masses. But no. I'm not part of it. Some people will probably call me a woman for finding enjoyment in sewing, but fuck you, if you think that way. For true equality, such primitive notions of tasks assigned by gender need to burn. Burn in the furnace of every person's individual mind. My sexual proclivities have nothing to do with the love and fairness with which I treat all women. I've been blinded by guilt and regret in the past, over my thoughts, and how I feared they reflected on my genetically inherited seat in the patriarchy. Desire need not affect any part of my emotional state. The two needn't be connected, or even related, necessarily. I know, within myself, that I treat women with nothing but respect and love, despite how I might sate my sexual frustration and loneliness. The reason I left the site for so long is because I was jealous. I was seeing, daily, what I long for, more than anything in the world. I had to leave. I was jealous in an emotional way. I cried myself to sleep while reflecting on how much I was missing out on. Not just the realm of sexual conquest, with which I have no experience, but of love. Everlasting happiness, with a person you can be truly honest with. I hope those of you who read this can understand what I mean.
''Nothing is true, everything is permitted.''
If you think computer games can't be an artform... take a wild guess... fuck you! Transformation. Through pain and blood I've been transformed. I don't know where my transformation will end, but a dear, dear friend has helped me through it. I won't mention her by name, but she knows who she is. She is the Night-Wolf, and our correspondence has reminded me that I'm not half as bad as I think I am. My darkest thoughts are not only shared, but understood. I'm in a rare position, to know the intricacies of my own thoughts and those of another person. To have the chance to ask the questions I'm not supposed to (under the gaze of you, oh all-seeing biased society) ask. About femininity and the various forms in which respect can exist. And my desires need not marr the underlying respect that I have. Its an ongoing process.
''Accompanied only by the full moon
The howling of a night wolf''
''I am not a man. I began as one, but now I am becoming more than a man, as you will witness.''
I'm visiting London around mid-July, to meet up with my best friend. Add physical contact to the relationship we've built via transmissive photons and old-school pen and paper. I'm getting the boat to Holyhead and driving through Wales to stay at a hotel in London. 8 or 9 day round trip. I hope to get my social life on this site back up and running, and reacquaint myself with the friends I have left.
A last minute addition: Dio, You shall be greatly missed. A true metal god. Your memory will always be alive through music.
''Twilight possesses, the heart of your soul. The starlight is fading to black... to the Demon's Gate.''
Regardless of how my family feels, society at large feels, the capitalist machine tries to tell me to feel; I'm a dark person. My mind is filled with thoughts I've been convinced are wrong. Life is not all sunshine and buttercups. Life is nothing if not diverse. I reside within the blood-ridden, contemplative darkness, for most of my existence. But since when does that have to define me? It doesn't. I can reside within the darkness of existence, and still appreciate life. I AM respectful, even if my thoughts don't conform to the social norm. And since when does society have the authority to lay out the blueprint for what I am? As far as I can see, society is completely biased. Despite the feminist movement, women are still treated, by the media at large, as being defined by the clothes they wear, and how much make-up is needed to make them presentable. And this is the society I tried to break into? Why? Since its believed by so many, I tried, desperately, to break into it. To censor my own thoughts, and become one of the masses. But no. I'm not part of it. Some people will probably call me a woman for finding enjoyment in sewing, but fuck you, if you think that way. For true equality, such primitive notions of tasks assigned by gender need to burn. Burn in the furnace of every person's individual mind. My sexual proclivities have nothing to do with the love and fairness with which I treat all women. I've been blinded by guilt and regret in the past, over my thoughts, and how I feared they reflected on my genetically inherited seat in the patriarchy. Desire need not affect any part of my emotional state. The two needn't be connected, or even related, necessarily. I know, within myself, that I treat women with nothing but respect and love, despite how I might sate my sexual frustration and loneliness. The reason I left the site for so long is because I was jealous. I was seeing, daily, what I long for, more than anything in the world. I had to leave. I was jealous in an emotional way. I cried myself to sleep while reflecting on how much I was missing out on. Not just the realm of sexual conquest, with which I have no experience, but of love. Everlasting happiness, with a person you can be truly honest with. I hope those of you who read this can understand what I mean.
''Nothing is true, everything is permitted.''
If you think computer games can't be an artform... take a wild guess... fuck you! Transformation. Through pain and blood I've been transformed. I don't know where my transformation will end, but a dear, dear friend has helped me through it. I won't mention her by name, but she knows who she is. She is the Night-Wolf, and our correspondence has reminded me that I'm not half as bad as I think I am. My darkest thoughts are not only shared, but understood. I'm in a rare position, to know the intricacies of my own thoughts and those of another person. To have the chance to ask the questions I'm not supposed to (under the gaze of you, oh all-seeing biased society) ask. About femininity and the various forms in which respect can exist. And my desires need not marr the underlying respect that I have. Its an ongoing process.
''Accompanied only by the full moon
The howling of a night wolf''
''I am not a man. I began as one, but now I am becoming more than a man, as you will witness.''
I'm visiting London around mid-July, to meet up with my best friend. Add physical contact to the relationship we've built via transmissive photons and old-school pen and paper. I'm getting the boat to Holyhead and driving through Wales to stay at a hotel in London. 8 or 9 day round trip. I hope to get my social life on this site back up and running, and reacquaint myself with the friends I have left.
A last minute addition: Dio, You shall be greatly missed. A true metal god. Your memory will always be alive through music.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
xylah:
Miss you in chat <3
joseflovesyou:
Welcome back, and 6m, seven.