wildseven

Haha, this is on my phone and I'm emailing it, so excuse the grammatical errors from format issues etc.

Hello dear friends of the interwebular variety. It has been rather a while since my last real blog, and I've not been online much lately, so I'm going to use this sleepless night as something of an update session. Firstly, I've decided to cut back on my sg usage. I found that staying on the site too much wasn't making me feel too good. As selfish as it may sound, hearing successful stories of happy people, in loving relationships, even marriages, was too much for me to bear. It was really starting to drag me down, further than I'd normally go. Success in love, or even sex, is a completely alien prospect to me, so the sudden overflow of it really sent me reeling. I was content with convincing myself that the majority of people were as lonely as I sometimes am, but reality seems to lean in quite the opposite direction. This isn't one of 'those' blogs. You know the type I mean

It's sort of like a, carbon based, human being getting attacked by a silicon based virus... I wasn't able to get my head around the difference between my cynical view and the reality; that most people ARE happy. Most people don't concern themselves with notions of death or deep philosophical questions, like I do, frequently, they go about their lives. They meet someone they love and have a moderately happy life together. Ups and downs, of course, but most people share their lives with someone. Alas, such luck has evaded my sensor sweeps so far. (now you know some of the reason why, haha )

I haven't found it, or anything resembling it, so when I saw so many people who have... well... I didn't take it very well... So I left this here site for a while. I've been unable to spend my days in chat, as it can be a painful place, given the reasons I mentioned above. People are well within their rights to be happy, and showcase that joy and elation as they wish, I'm not criticising. I just decided to vacate the area for those such occasions, as it merely serves as salt in an ever-present wound. A wound I fear will never heal. I've been trying to get back into my chatting ways, but it's a slow process. The wound is ever-changing and I'm sometimes immune to its bitter sting, but mostly I'm still too upset and sensitive to try and face my life in the harsh light of day. I can't help but compare my life to the lives of my peers, and notice the huge discrepancies. Maybe I'm out of touch with my generation, I'm not sure, but... I was heading to a dark place, quicker due to my, well I suppose, to be brutally honest, jealousy, that's about the only word for it. For me that conjures up an image of a Cthulhu-esque, green-eyed behemoth, prowling the lands searching for happy people, and spreading hatred and disdain for 'the happy folk', but I don't mean it like that. Closer to a sad, solemn jealousy. One where there's no escape route from.

I hope that begins to explain why I've been so absent as of late. I've been in a funk for about a month now. On and off. Mostly on, or in... I'm mixing up my metaphors...... Final Fantasy XIII has provided me well. A much needed escape from the harshness of reality, for a short while anyway. Tis no box of chocolates. Sometimes its like a box of turds, and you don't get anything but shit. Mostly it's just somewhere between those two...

I think I've nailed down my place on the musical... wait for it... 'scale' (HAHAHAHA)...... for good. I've found my definite likes and dislikes, my musical taste. Dark, heavy and loud. And that's the way I likes it. I branch into classical and classic rock but mostly its genres such as grunge, heavy, black and doom metals, and a spattering of random miscellany, such as the Stand By Me soundtrack. I miss all you guys loads, so hopefully I'll be back soon. Up and running, as it were.

(P.S. I've begun counselling, as I vowed to a few months ago. I'm two sessions in, and I think it's going well. Difficult, as to be expected. Sort of like an acceptance process. She seems to understand what I've been experiencing, the urgency and the pressure. I'm thinking of it as a step in the right direction.)